２０１０ 年，你带给我微笑，无奈，悲哀，幸福。永别今年，可说会带着一种又苦又甜的滋味。

２０１１年，你好。初次见面，请你不要拒绝我一直以来的苦心，让我努力奋斗的一切都开花结果。

This is weird. I haven't wrote a song in ages... and I mean, ages. Yet, Doojoon and Dongwoon from B2st have officially inspired me to start writing again. I'll give it a try, tmr. See if the music juices are still somewhere inside me.

I've been thinking alot lately. Weighing choices, decisions, roads to take. Somehow i'm always at a crossroads. I'd wish there'd come a time when i'm not afraid of so many things. That I'm brave enough to tell people what i truely want, and what i stand for. I wish i'd stop hiding behind appearances, that I'd come out straight and truthful.

I'd always want to tell Orson everything. But everytime i see him, he just makes me smile, and forget the stuff that's been hanging around my head. and i'll just worry him more if i tell him certain things.

I hope no door closes on me yet.

Finally blogging after, i don't know how long... But this will be a quick post. I gotta sleep soon =x

Holidays are just gone like that. I can't believe I just have 2 more weeks, before the "play" button clicks, and life returns to the hectic, stressful rush called school. Trying to make the most out of this 2 weeks. I hope. There are so many things to be done, that I want to do, that I just didn't have the time to do before. Please let me be able to finish everything!

Tomorrow's daddy's birthday. We're going out at night to celebrate, and who cares if i'm missing my class bbq for this. Family's more important.

Starting to study bit by bit. Not the most welcoming thing to the new year, but yeah, it has to be done. I will do well again this year, hopefully better. and hopefully, not just in academics, but other things as well.

Play hard, work hard, live strong.

i'm a perfectionist. doesn't mean i'm perfect.

staying postitive, and living the moment. that's the motto i discovered today. when you realise just how little time you have for yourself and the people you love, especially in a society that puts your career in such a priority seat (or for us students, our academics) we really have to make effort to make full use of the time that is given to us.

but i just wanna say, it's demanding. it's demanding being me. It's demanding being who everyone expects me to be. people want me to get good grades, and consistently improving and attaining higher academic standards. people want me to be good at other things at the same time. housework, oh housework. i'm expected to be the perfect cook, do good laundry, clean up, and what nots. i'm expected to be the great friend, or rather, i expect myself to be so. i want to be there for all my friends, and not just them, my family, and my bf as well. sometimes being a perfectionist ain't that all good. =x but that's who i am. i know you can't tell from my riduculously messy table. but, yeah.

i'm getting really tired of everything, bit by bit. i can't find the spark in my anymore, just trying to rub rub rub aimlessly, create friction within myself, so somehow i can find some sort of spark. haha, all the rubbing is only causing undue hurt and confusion. and knots. lots of them, but i'm slowly trying to untangle them. i can feel my defence mechanism coming up again. i'll withdraw, from reality, go into this imaginary world. where no one can hurt me, nothing else matters. Beast is part of that imaginary world. Inevitable, since their songs help so much in easing my nerves. i promised myself to start living in the real world from this year onwards. yet now i find myself slipping back. ridiculous.

i wish life were simple. edit out all those complications, all the things that get our hearts and souls all tangled up and messed. but life ain't simple. that the cold hard truth. and we'll just have to deal with it.

I went out with Joleen and her sister Joanne today=) had great fun, really =) we went to bugis street to shop. haha, we didn't really buy alot of things, i got a jacket, a pink, cute one. lols. this is my don't know how manyth jacket. i'm just obsessed with the external layer of clothing. i can't leave the house without a jacket. we talked quite a bit, and i found out joleen's choice. she's finally out of denial. i promised her i would do everything i can to help her out. we may not be in the same class anymore, but we're still very best friends. today's retail therapy helped to clear my mind off a lot of things, and see things in a clearer light. Joleen gave me a SHINee poster for my birthday. haha... I like Beast more than SHINee. lols. it's a really nice poster, but i have no idea where to hang it...!

i'll be using my korea trip to completely free my mind of stuff. i promise myself i'll come back rejuvinated, revived, ready to face the world once again. for now, i've been replaying the song Lights Go On Again by Beast. It's a really meaningful song, the lyrics i mean. it keeps me going. For now.

To anyone out there, who feels tired of everything around you...

sixteen, going on, seventeen.

i'm Seventeen tomorrow. i just realised. i'm SEVENTEEN tomorrow. usually birthdays never mattered to me. i don't know, somehow i get a sense of "i'm growing up" when the number seventeen presents itself to me. This is the last post on the sixteenth year of my life =) How cool is that!

Currently i'm talking to Orson and listening to Beast. haha. nothing can get better than this. lols. come to think of it, there are alot of things better than this. but what the heck. i'm happy and smiling now. haha. i was just thinking about the stuff i've accomplished in the 16th year of my existence. lols. i didn't manage to conjure up a really magnificant list, but some of the stuff that are on it are things for me to remember, and things for me to be proud of. there were also alot of mistakes made, words that shouldn't have been said, things that shouldn't have been done, time that shouldn't have been wasted, but i'll just have to put that all behind me. coz the main thing is that there were a lot of rough times, and i got through them much better than i thought.

Seventeen. A whole new year. One year older. A lot more responsibilities. Higher expectations. More hardwork. More obstacles to overcome. I still don't know how i'm going to do it. Make it through to Eighteen, and hopefully i can look back and tell myself i've done well. Truthfully, i've never made any birthday wishes before. Not that i can recall. Maybe a few minor wishes when i was young. Oh, i remember wishing for world peace once. HAHA. i guess that wish went ignored. =x

for my seventeenth birthday, i'd like to make a wish though. I don't feel like wishing for any objects, coz i know i've much more than what many other people would have. I think i'd wish for myself to be a better person. I wish that I'll become more sensible and responsible, and wouldn't make the people who love me worry for me anymore, or get mad at me for my mistakes. I wish i'd have more in me to push myself harder towards fufilling the expectations people have of me. I wish to be a someone they can be proud of. I wish to be someone whom i myself can be satisfied with. It's a huge wish, although much smaller in scale than wishing for world peace, but, it's a wish that i can achieve. if i constantly remind myself, and put my mind to it.

Tomorrow will be a fun day, since Orson is bringing me out. Haha... He makes me feel like i actually have a birthday. Usually for my birthdays i just get a cake and a song. and that's it. nothing else. it doesn't really feel like a special day. but this year it does. So, thank you. Really. This means the world to me. I just hope my mom doesn't forget my birthday. Hope... hah. i don't know if she'll remember. i hope she does. =x

화이팅!!~

Aigoo. haha. i don't know what's wrong with me recently. People agitate me very very VERY easily. I really wish i could drive a car. Then i can scream in the car, while driving the highway.

So far, there has only been one person that can turn my bad mood around. I don't think i need to spell out explicitly who he is right. LOL. Sometimes my family members can make me feel like such a useless bitch. It's not like i'm not doing my best already. You can't blame me for being a greenhorn around normal household issues. I'm trying, i really am. Why can't they just see it. Rather that see it like i can't do it because i don't wanna learn. Well, heck it. If you keep criticizing me for not doing a perfect job, of course i don't wanna learn. Who wants to hear comments about themselves not being to do anything right for the entire day? God i'm so sick of this. I rather i be back in school again. At least i get the recognition for trying hard there.

Or i'd rather be with my dear also. He never makes me feel like i'm useless. That's for sure. I think without him, i would've run away already. I won't mind doing all the housework in the whole world for him. Cause even if i don't do a perfect job, i know he'll appreciate my effort. and that makes me wanna do even more, and even better for him.

My mom's the only one who doesn't make me feel like a empty vessel. But she's too soft spoken to speak up to anyone. even if it means speaking up for me.

I don't know what else to say now. really.

poking my bf. hahahaha

Heehee =) Say hi to my cute+swave boyfriend. HAHA. sorry. i'm kinda crazy. and really really lucky =D

woooaaaaaahhhhhh. i never realised it's been this long since i've last blogged. =x hahaha. okay, i shall try to spam a long post today. well, not all of it will be spam. i guess you'll just have to read the whole thing to find out =o

yesterday went to orson's place to watch drama. haha. we are so slow, aren't we? still watching personal taste when other ppl watch finish Playful Kiss. haha, but i guess i'm not going to watch playful kiss. the storyline is kinda weird. to me, at least. and i'm no fan of kim jyeong hoon or kim hoon jyeong... aiya, whatever his name is. hahaha, i can't rmb his name =x Not that i'm a Lee Min Ho fan, but Personal Taste is more cute! Had dinner at his place. but... woahhh... they eat so much for dinner. =x i couldn't finish my food man. i still feel guilty thinking about it now. aigoo. my stomach has shrunk. HAHA. =P

Listening to Beast now. =x I wonder if my bf will fly with rage when he hears this. >.<>

Yeah. that cute guy on top. HAHA. (before you get jealous dear, you still hold the title of the cutest okay?)

OMG. i'm having fun poking my bf. i prolly should stop. =x But anyways, here's the compromise i came up with:

I'll listening to Beast and watch their videos when you're playing your monster forest game thingy. Deal? =.= beast is my alternative to you when your attention is on your plonk seahorse. =) sounds fair to me. =x

sorry peeps. we're a weird couple.

***

God. i have loads to do for the holidays. Everytime i look at the calendar, i realise just how much LITTLE time i have. =x this is really bad. i need to grasp every single second and treasure it!

and i just realised how incredibly stupid i sound in this post. haha. i just had carbohydrates. blame it on the sugar high. =x but the Beast/Monster Forest trade-off still stands!

P.S. I just viewed my post on the blog. i didn't intend for kikwang's photo to look that big =x i got it off google!!

2 am's new song is so emotional. i was practically tearing up when i saw the MV this afternoon. or maybe it's just me being emotional. =x

after i blogged just now, i was thinking. about alot of stuff. about practically everything that happened this year. it was a fun time recalling everything. it really was.

and i realised that i never thanked my dear. i was just so caught up with why i got into honour's roll, i never really reflected on the one person that did the most to help me get to where i am. To my dear! Gam-sa hamnida! and Saranghae! <3
Really... if if wasn't you who listened and held me through all the times i almost gave up on myself, i wouldn't be here. the day when i got soo stressed out about biology, i skipped school the next day, and you wrote me a letter, saying that you'll be there for me, and that i can do it, we can make it together. the many times when i got fustrated with studying and with myself, and you showed me that things aren't as bad as they seemed. the crazy days before exams when we would stay back in school, in classrooms to study geog, and you chanted out the facts with me like totally insane people. and that day, that 15 mins right before geog exam when i just started crying, coz i couldn't finish studying, you gave me your shoulder to lean on, and told me it'll be okay. there are many many many more instances in which you gave me hope, strength, courage and motivation to continue on working hard and not lose faith, or give up on myself. without these, without you, i'd never would be standing here today, or holding this position. and i wanna let you know, that i'm really grateful for all that you've given me, and thank you, and that i love you. and you know what? you shine brighter than i do. alot brighter =)

i'm not so sad now anymore. lols. kenny actually bothered to msn me to cheer me up. my dear's here for me too. even if we're not promoting together, 1035 will always remain together in spirit. and i don't think that spirit is breakable. now i'm just worried about joleen. audrey's already quite prepared that she was going to retain. darence also was taking it in his stride. but joleen has been in denial since she saw her promo papers... i hope she managed to pick herself up by now.

my head's really in a mess right now... so this blogpost may seem quite disorganised, but i'll try my best to make it good.

so i woke up, got to the doctor's for my flu jab, and then got prata for lunch.

then i went to school, and i wasn't really very happy on the way there. i just kept thinking and thinking about my class. that we wouldn't be able to make it through to year 2 together. some of us would have to leave. i couldn't believe it. but truth hurts.

yea. i realised who were the ones who were going to follow us up, to next year. and who are the ones who would have to take a different path, to reach the same goal. i found out i got into the honours roll. hah. i wasn't really happy then. i was just filled with guilt. for a moment i resented the world for creating difference, and unfairness. honestly i don't wanna be on the honours roll. none of my closer friends did congratulate me. i don't like to see that i'm ahead of anyone else. i'd rather we all stand on the same line. when i walked down the stairs to collect my voucher for honours roll, i bumped into the 5 people from my class who didn't make it to promotions while walking up the stairs. none of them looked my way. it's not their fault. the thing is, it's not mine etiher. it's nobody's fault. however much i want to blame myself for everything, or change anything that's happened, i can't. i can't. i can't.

when i walked back to join my class to get my results slip, i couldn't bear to look anyone of them in the eye. i was afraid even to ask Orson about how he did.

luckily he brought me out for lunch. for that time, nothing else really mattered.

you said if something was said too much, it'll lose it's meaning.
but i mean it everytime i say i love you.

i realise just how much more important you are to me, with every day that passes. things do happen, and no one has ever made me feel as much better as you do.

i'll blog tmr i guess. it's very late in the night, and i need to sleep to wake up early for prata. haha.

if he lets go. i'll let go of myself. that's how much i need you.

i just wanted to say thank you so much, for willing to wait, for willing to stay by me no matter what my parents say. i really hope they approve after i tell them tonight, but thank you for being willing to be with me even if they say no. i'm sorry i have to put you through extra, to gain a place in my family which usually has closed doors. I'll do anything and everything i can to make this burden i've placed on you as light as possible. i love you =)

today's going to be another LONG blogpost. bear with my rants as much as you can, but you have been warned =)

yesterday night i went to sleep grumped. my dad told me in the face he wasn't at all impressed with my OP. he's said it's just memory work. not at all a presentation. and i was kinda syked that we got called back for filming. he just shattered it like glass man. into pieces. my harshest critic. my dad.

today wasn't exactly a totally awesome day, but it was quite the emotional roller coaster. morning woke up early: dread. Bus ride: discomfort, not because i was with Audrey, she helped distract me from the discomfort actually, but coz some ex-cchy schoolmates of mine were on the same bus. I don't know them well at all, one of the guy's is in NY, but still. somehow cchy ppl, aside for some exceptions like 4H, tend to make me all jitterish, in a not so positive sense. Reached tampines: tiredness. my mind was quite blank, like a car engine trying to start without an ignition. Our class was late for our service learning, so: apologetic. Begin to interact with the elderly: bliss, and gratefulness. That's why i like SL. It makes me realise just how fortunate i really am, and stop fussing over everything in life. Rushed back to school: dread and tiredness. and craziness. hahaha, we were practising our OP in the train like some mad broken recorder rattling nonsense. and i hoped the thing would end quickly so i could rush back to the service learning place to see Orson for the first time today. Reached school: chatted with ms chua and he lao shi, haha, had a good laugh here and there. kinda screwed our OP filming, but we kinda didn't care either. Left school: dread again. travelling all the way back to tampines? torture.

As me and my dear PW group were dragging our half dead bodies back to the service learning place, we learnt that they went ahead with the activity without us. we were totally like OMG. great man. we should have just went home or something. then there was this big mix up about whether we had to walk from the SL place to the park where everyone were, or just sit and wait for them to come back. I remember being super pissed. So was Mac, and Kahay. in the end Orson came running over from the park to bring us there. he melted my heart. i can swear that 70% of my agitation dissipated there and then when i heard his footsteps and saw him running over. Chatting with the elderly was even better... i made particular good friends with 2 elderly. haha, one is like 90 years old but kinda "hyperactive". the other is very very warm and friendly to us. at least we got to chat with them before they left. SL is theraputic. so is Orson. hahahaha

the experience with the elderly actually made me reflect how i was treating my grandma. Like how i can be so eager to warm up and talk to the elderly at the place, but sometimes i get so irritated with my own grandma. I mean, i know she's very very VERY negative, and practically sees ONLY the downside to everything, but i should have the same patience, no, even more patience for her, than i have for the elderly at the place, right? i have to work harder. =( to make myself not be so selfish, and not think about her feelings sometimes.

caught a cab back with Audrey. GOD. the cab fare. S$22.15. I literally felt the pinch there and then. MY MONEY. i'm officially at the brink of bankruptcy. for the first time in my life, money has become an issue.

okay, 3rd issue of today. supposed to tell my parents about me and Orson tonight. but because of unforseen circumstances, postponed to tmr night. i'm keeping all my fingers crossed. my toes as well. If they object, i'll probably just faint on the spot or something. heh. I'm trying to polish up a slick way to break it to them, so it wouldn't be as rough tmr night. please please please let this turn out the way i want it to be.

tmr there's no school, so i'll guess i'll do some cleaning up and packing, and help out with some housework also. to prove to my parents that i've grown up.

taylor swift is such an inspiration. i want to be like her. haha, but i don't write songs as well... and i don't have much time for my dear guitar. but i wanna go for her concert. and she's coming to Singapore!! I'm soo syked. really. Now, just to find someone to go with me. My dad offered, but i think i'd be too caught up with maintaining my image in front of him that i wouldn't really let go and have fun. =x but if there's really no one, then yeah. daddy it is. =) I really wanna go back to song writing during the holidays, especially when so many things have happened in my life since the last song i penned.



i'm quite nervous for after OP. coz i'm finally going to tell my parents about us. these few months, i've been trying to build the image that we're ready to go into a relationship. so i hope my parents have got the subtle hints. i'm just worried about my mom actually. she's the only one who's really adamant about me dating. she wants me to start dating at 21. remember? ha. when she got her first bf at my age. she was the trial and error type... but i need to let her know that i'm not like her. i went into this relationship, because i believe that it'll become something great. because i'm really serious about him, and i feel like i trust him more than anyone in the world. luckily my grandma likes him. at least the hardest part is gone. she had bad first impressions of all her prospective daughters/sons - in laws. haha. but she thinks he's better a person than i am. and she thinks that he has the capability to take care of me. that's good enough. it's true though. he is better than me. and i depend on him alot. =)

it all went from a girl who didn't believe anyone would fall for her as she fell for the other person. a moment when she was enchanted to meet him, but didn't believe that she deserves him in anyway. conversations when they exchanged details about who they were unknowingly. times when their hearts would start falling accidentally in love. the night in that city far from home, when the first page of a new chapter begun.

these were the words i held back. from the very first day till that night. "please don't be in love with someone else. please don't have somebody waiting for you."

let's just put all our faith and belief into the love that we have now, and know in our hearts that it will last forever, no matter what may come between us.

hehs, PW meeting got cancelled today. =X

i slept with his jacket last night. I napped for like 5 hours initially. I think i was having a fever... the jacket somehow made me feel better. So i woke up at 10pm for dinner, chatted with him a bit, watched some korean videos, and then when back to sleep at around 12.45am. with the jacket again. haha.

Sometimes i wish i could just wear the jacket around the house. And show off dancing around. hahaha. and openly brag to my family about how great he is. and how lucky i am. not now i guess... but, soon? maybe.

i think my grandma really likes him. haha... today when i was talking to her, she said that she would miss HIM when i would go overseas. hahaha... i laughed at that one. she stared down at the jacket, and said she wanted to live as long to see me get married. haha, i don't really know if she meant what i think she meant, but i held on to that beautiful thought.'

i guess i'll just relax for today, so i'll have energy for intensive PW tmr. prolly dance around the kitchen and whip up some noodles instead. haha. =)

Godd. I'm sick. I hate it... but just have to hang in. If i'm gonna collapse, i only can do so after OP... Listening to Taylor Swift non-stop now, but my ears are hurting. Haha, stupid ear infection. Argh... My head feels like it's gonna be squashed from the inside. Horrid. Taylor Swift's new album rocks =) Addicted... again =)

Can't wait till after OP though, haha, we can go play! Kenny was texting me about having a class outing to the zoo. Haha! Cool, like I haven't been to the zoo for ages. really, ages.

ahhh... it'll 11pm. shucks... i need to sleep soon. but my dear's still working on PW. I feel kinda bad if i just slept and not stick up with him through the night. We're gonna have lunch tmr! Jumping for joy. haha... I guess it's because we haven't been spending much time with each other lately. Again, PW interrupts interpersonal relationships. Interrupts. Not destroys.

I guess I need to sleep now. I really can't take it no more. Oh, I napped for like 3 hours this afternoon. Damn funny... I totally blacked out. And I woke up, thinking I didn't sleep at all. Until I looked at the time. Haha!

I'm going to sleep again. I hope I black out again. Hmm... i don't mind dreaming either, if the dream's a cool one =) Oops, i forgot, gotta pack bag and brush up first.

had a very interesting email convo with carol today. however, i'm not allowed to reveal anymore ;)

tmr going to tutor chinese at j-co. firstly, i've to make sure that i'm not late, and secondly, i've to ensure that i will focus 100% tmr. it's chinese A levels on monday, and i can't believe that i'm not at all panicking, or even feeling concerned. i think i'll panick tmr though... haha. i will wake up early to study chinese!! i'm more worried abt OP then Chinese really... i think i'll confirm get a B for chinese. =(

i want taylor swift's new album! argh... today went to borders and That CD shop, and didn't find it. turns out only parkway borders has it. haha.

OKAY. SLEEP. i promised to. =x

my voice is really tired today after all the OP training. I'll sleep by 11pm today. i'm dead tired.

thank you for the beautiful day today =) I totally forgot the dream I had last night for today at least. It was about the last day here, and that i was going to go off to study the next day. I don't think I need to describe how I felt. There was a twist to that dream. I ran away. I ran home, back into your arms. Hah.

I went to his place for the first time today. haha, to teach him chinese. it was fun, definitely, it was. to be totally honest for many days from last week, i haven't really felt the full magic between us. Like there was something missing. Today it all came back. And you've got this girl dancing around in her room.

We were eating dinner at this food court, and sitting beside us were a old couple. He nudged me and said something like the eldery couple were the "older version of us". Haha, it was funny, but it was quite amazing to think of it that way. haha. I don't think we'll be like that old couple though, enjoying a meal in silence. I mean, i'd be absolutely happy to just eat a meal in your company, yes, but i don't think we'll run out of things to say over the years. i wish we can go on together like this, till we're old. i'll hold on to that flashforward. now, i can't imagine life without you anymore.

I've alot of feelings that i can't put in words. But all i can say is that they are all positive ones. and suddenly i'm looking forward to the day when i wake up, see your face, and it's not a dream.

you say that you're losing that feeling.

though i don't know what you are losing. i hope it's not me. because i still love you as much, no, even more that the first time i met you. and it's been perfect so far, we just met a small bump in the road. but that's not gonna stop me, and nothing else will, from loving you with everything i've got. till my very last breath. so, don't you ever tell me you'll let me go.

don't you ever tell me to let you go. cause i won't. ever.

I'm almost broke. running out of cash, and quick. i wish the school would stop asking us for cash.

Yeah, i read his letter. It was a response to my previous post, to that week. The fact is i don't really care what happened before, as long as it made us stronger now. and i think it did. there're still some stuff i need to talk to you about though. but i'll never let you go. don't even think about it, you're stuck with me for the rest of your life. you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

taylor swift's new album is quite a dissapointment... heh, her style become quite mixed up with some other styles, that it doesn't really sound " country" anymore. But i still love the honesty in her songs. and i really need to complete my songs. haha, i've been writing too many incomplete tunes lately.

i really hope he has no training tmr... i wanna go J-Co again. =x

Yay, the conference finally ended today. It was a good day. Especially at the animal shelter... I bonded especially with this dog named Limpy, and this cat, whose name i've yet to ask. Jasmine and I both want to organise another trip back down to the Mutts and Mittens shelter, so we can visit the animals again. I wish I could adopt one, but i don't think i have the responsibility to take care of it. =x

Argh, it's late, i'm tired. and the effects of that mug of coke i drank just now is starting to wear off. ahh! just nice. Kahay finished printing the WR. Time to SLEEP.

hehs, somehow i wish i could snuggle up next to him and sleep tonight.

when you and i collide. =)

There's one moment that makes me feel happy
The time when i met someone like you
and realising that love exists

I love you, I think this feeling is love
Without you, I can't smile
even if i shed tears, i only need you my love.

Some song lyrics.
I'm really tired today. Just wanted to say jiayous dear, i'm just trying to be behind you no matter what.

triple confessions.

There wasn't school today, so I went out with him. I was so happy I completely forgot what I wanted to talk to him about. Until I was on the way home.

Seriously, Monday, till Wednesday was quite horrible for me. Thursday I spent the day with my PW group, so keeping busy with random stuff helped to offset my thoughts for a while.

Monday:
He seriously lacked sleep. Which equals to bad mood. Yeah, I know. I'm like that when I lack sleep too. But at least you're always the exception. Like I can never get mad at you. But you're cold to me too. Mac asked me if you were the one for me. Without hesitation, I said "Yeah, I guess so..." Then, you came into the lecture theatre. Though you were sitting beside me, it felt as if you were miles away. I felt left in the cold for a while. "Maybe I wasn't doing enough to make you feel better. Yeah, it's my fault I guess." That's what I thought then. Guilt. Later in the day, your mood got abit better. And so did mine. My brain continued to ransack itself for ideas to cheer you up more. when walking to the MRT on the way home, i tried the stupid idea of making act-cute expressions. Heh, didn't really succeed. I went home feeling "not good enough". Before I slept that night, I decided you needed a cookie and some snack to make you feel better. I got up from my bed to the study room, and started writing a note.

Tuesday:
I was hoping you would feel much better today. Yeah, you were. Haha. We didn't get to talk much today again. Tomorrow is the 20th. And I would be dining with you. Or so I thought. I decided to give you some personal space today. You looked stressed from PW. Ms Chua told me our group's WR was generally okay. For some reason I felt guilt again. I wished I could stop feeling like this. Then again, I wish I could be of more help to you. Seeing you slog so hard pains me. I'd willingly write your entire WR. And you could go sleep. On the way home, alone, I thought about some elaborate plan for our anniversay tmr. I went home, and started preparing. Yeah, the series of teddy bear notes. I still had WR to do. But this was much more important. I practically went jumping when you called me on your way home. I posted the teddy bear thing on my facebook profile page. And you smiled. I felt good for the first time this week. Then things took a turn for the worse. Didn't it?

Heh. Yeah, I thought I was of some use finally, when you asked me to take a look at your WR. I remembered that ms chua said your WR's english wasn't good. You asked me to look at page something, section 5. I didn't know you meant that section 5 for that page only. and I went on and on till page 20. Daddy was mad at me for working on the computer instead of watching tv with him. But I still went on. I sent the stuff back to you. I hoped I had helped. But your reaction told sorta otherwise. Then you excused yourself to go offline. Right then and there, I felt like a complete bitch and useless freak. Yeah, everyone seemed angry at me that day. And nothing I did felt right. I felt like a mistake myself, a burden, trouble, nothing good. I still did up the stuff for our anniversary tmr. I saved the file, to find it gone later on. That almost accertained the thought that i was indeed absolutely useless. I still redid the stuff. I couldn't sleep much that night. There were 2 nightmares of how you were going to walk out on me. I think i cried a total of 5 hours plus.

Wednesday
I was afraid of going to school. I was afraid that you would dump me. My eyes looked like some goldfish. I looked in the mirror and laughed at myself. Hah. Yeah, why would someone like me even deserve you. I checked my phone and I received your sms. Relief. You weren't going to breakup with me, and still loved me. Relief. But you didn't say you would forgive me yet. Actually, I don't exactly know what i did wrong. Strangely, I still felt wrong. (I still don't exactly know where I went wrong. Please enlighten me) I went to school, finished up what was left undone from last night. You came after your morning training to find me. Thank God. I showed you the stuff. You smiled. And then everything returned to normal. Phew. Triple Relief. At least the nightmares didn't come true. Then after the lectures, you went for the Chinese talk thing. I went solo to the library. I didn't have breakfast, but I wanted to wait for you to eat lunch. My stomach was screaming for food. I gave it a couple of gastric pills. You still hadn't finish the chinese talk thing yet. The library was freezing, and my laptop ran out of battery. So I went downstairs. After that, you came. Haaaaahhh. Food. I bought TomYam noodles. Heh, my favourite from the canteen. You told me you couldn't eat dinner with me today. My heart sank till beneath my feet, but I tried smiling. "Have to be more understanding" I told myself. "Just make the best out of lunch". Throughout lunch, you were working on your laptop. I felt like I shouldn't disturb you, although I still hoped you would talk to me. You didn't. The noodles became tasteless. I lost appetite. It was a hot day, but I felt cold. You asked for a hug before you left me. That felt reassuring, but wasn't enough. I walked as fast as I can, so I could get out of school asap. I needed some sorta adrenaline rush. But I seriously felt we were drifting apart. Like everything till now was just a fairytale. That was about to end, unhappily. And it was all my fault. Buried myself in work when I got home. You smsed me after your PW meeting. Things lightened up abit. Maybe doomsday wouldn't come afterall. Maybe.

Today.
Now, everything's okay. No breakup, no tears, no feeling like i just kicked the ass of Hades, and was about to face the most terrible consequence ever. The magic came back today. and I smiled like I haven't, for a really really long time.

I sent him an sms. saying i'm sorry. I don't even know if i'm doing the right thing anymore.

shit. I just did the wrong thing. i'm so mad at myself right now. i can't think of anything to make this right.

he went offline. actually i wish he could just call me to trash me or just scold me or whatever. at least some expression of aggression would be better than disappearance. It's the worst torture ever. I tried to help. Yeah, tried. And I overdid it. I should've know better right? Why did i only realise it after everything? I wish he'd talk to me right now. At least tell me that i'm wrong, or that i'm a total ass or something. I feel like such a bitch.

I don't feel like going to school tmr. though i should. there's math lecture. and there's no reason for me to skip. I have no idea what to do now.

That day Mac was asking me, if he was the right guy for me. I said yes. Come to think of it, he is the right one for me. But i'm not sure íf i'm the right one for him. I mean, I'm the one with the mistakes most of the time. ugh. complete idiot. That day joleen was telling me "no man should ever make you cry, the one who does, doesn't deserve your tears". I don't feel like crying now. i feel like, punishing myself.

I'm really trying very hard though. I've practically spent the entire of the past two days thinking about how and what can make him smile, despite all the stress. And I don't know why, but it seems like other people can make him smile just like that. Without thinking. Maybe that "friend" in sec 2 was right. "No one will ever like you for who you are. You're just a tool that's been used and thrown away." I thought I forgot all about those people and what they said. Usually, I can't even recall that entire year. Now their taunts are all flooding back into my mind. It feels like some scary memory relapse. I'm alone again. God. What am I thinking... God. Maybe this is my punishment.

My head hurts. My heart hurts. I don't think i can sleep tonight. And suddenly tears are pouring out of my eyes. I'm praying that everything will be okay tomorrow. And that voice in my head would shut the fuck up.

this... is going to be a long post.

i finally finished watching the drama "Personal Taste" =) As per usual, the drama had a happy ending. haha... i was desperately trying to stop myself from crying when Jin-ho ssi and Kae-in ssi broke up. Lucky got happy ending. Or else my heart would have died.

I was telling Orson how much I hate it when in dramas, the climax is usually when the guy/girl breaks up with the person that he/she loves, thinking that it is better for the other partner. Although i know that they will eventually get together in the end, why hurt each other so much when you both love each other? I told Orson never to break up with me cause of such silly reasons. I told him I would die if he did so. He sounded skeptical to my response. haha. I told him watching people in the drama go through this is already enough to make me want to cry like mad... if it were me, like really ME experiencing it, yeah, i think my heart would have stopped. Hey dear, you're talking to this girl who sometimes cries herself to sleep thinking that she's going to spend a few years overseas to study, without you.

Speaking about that, my dad brought me to this study fair today. It was about studying in Canada, and the intake of new students was as early as January next year. I mean, i would save one year of studying if I went overseas next year. But i was firm in saying no. I want to finish my A levels first. Definitely. My aunt was all crazy about me going over next year. My mom didn't want me to go so early. Today my aunt asked me, as a joke, if I was staying in Singapore because of Orson. In my heart, i clearly knew that it was true, but i couldn't admit it, coz neither of our families know that we're official yet. So i wailed "No!", my mentally muttering an apology to my dear. haha.

폰가원의 일기 예보 날씨
The skies have finally cleared today, so i can see the blue sky, and the path that's ahead of me. When i was in secondary school, i was always begging my parents to send me overseas, because i didn't feel entirely at home in my old school. I mean, I had great friends and all, but the overall environment, still made me feel like i was an outsider. I wanted to go overseas because i equated my old school to Singapore, my old schoolmates to Singaporeans. I thought I would never belong here. I thought that if I went abroad, and just take on the world head on, i would survive, and find the place where I belong. My parents didn't want me to go overseas then. They told me I wasn't "grown up" enough, they told me I wasn't ready. Back then, I thought they were just overprotective. Now, I realise that they are right.

Anyway, I made my choice, and am where I am now. I should thank my parents for not letting me venture abroad. Here, I found where i belonged. I found a place where I was recognised for the things I did, where the environment enveloped me, though not entirely, but sufficiently for me to take in Nanyang as my second home. And by a beautiful coincidence, i bumped into this guy who may be the very one who will walk me through my life. Rewind a few years, and I would have believed my life to be fabricated by a pack of lies and deceptions that I wove for myself. I preferred to live in imagination than in reality. He showed me that the real world wasn't so scary after all. That my life contained a large portion of truth. And that I had alot to learn, that I wasn't "grown up". Naaah, he didn't make me realise that i was some ignorant freak, haha, but rather he helped me come to terms with who i really am, and work with that to get to higher ground, or my full potential. He made me into someone who knows how to love herself, and to love others with much more than what she had.

Now, I no longer see the need, or the strong desire to go abroad. The people who knew me thought that it was my only goal. And I saw it as sort of a glory, really, it was just an egoistic aspiration. Now I see the stronger pull to stay, not only because I have found where i belong, and someone whom i can love and depend on. But because he helped me realise that I'm still a girl. I'm not matured enough, I'm not ready, to take on the world beyond this little red dot yet.

That's why, daddy, i have to say that I can't go in January. I'm not strong enough yet. I'm still the girl who wants to hide behind you, mom or even Orson, when things start to go wrong. And when I'm out there, I know I can't. I'm not physically, emotionally or mentally ready. Especially when you're asking me to leave when I've just found my place. You may not see it, because in your eyes, I'll always be your little girl. I may be more stressed up here, but at least I have people and warm arms to run into. I won't dash your hopes for me by not going to see the world, but allow me at least one more year. To finish up my A levels. To prepare myself to face life without you, mom, and especially my dear. I need time to mature, to grow up, so that when I do go, I can but do so with more certainty, and cause less worry to the people who love me here.

I cannot thank you enough, my jin-ho ssi. haha. you made me realise so much. the main reason i can't leave is still because of you. because i don't know what i would do without you.

yes, 폰가원's weather forecast for the days ahead predicts that the clouds have finally cleared. The confusion in her heart is all gone, thanks to a particular real-life jinho ssi who placed his faith and love in her. no matter the weather in the future, rain, thunder, or shine; i will not run away from it all anymore. Because i know i'll be fine, if you're with me.

my story, will, too, have a happy ending.

I'm going to finish watching the Lee Min Ho drama by Sunday. haha... =) And i'm going to watch it all over again with Orson during the holidays =)

Having PW tmr. =( I don't like it, but somehow i'm glad I've PW tmr. There are just too many things running through my mind now. and I need stuff to keep me busy with. I guess i'll just be focusing myself on work and my dear. and just sleep the rest of the day off. i get the feeling that there's news that i may not want to hear. I'm not so sure yet. But we'll see.

폰가원의 일기 예보 날씨
tomorrow's weather is going to be unpredictable. haha, i can't believe i'm copying kae-in ssi in her weather forecast thingy. but it's a nice way to express stuff. yeah, tomorrow's weather is going to be unpredictable. but somehow i think i can face it. because you'll be there for me with an umbrella. rain or shine =) as long as he can shelter me though it all, i know i'll be fine.

我好好回珍惜我们一起度过的每一个时光。但没有一刻会成为我们的最后。

it's funny how he makes me smile during all the times when i need to.
당신을 사랑합니다...

Now i know why girls have such high expectations of guys. Blame it on people like Lee Min Ho who paint the picture of perfect boyfriends in their dramas. hahaha! I think i'm getting influenced to. Now i'm wishing that my guy would just grab me by surprise and kiss me. and follow up with some mushy statement. HAHA. (this is a very big hint!!!) ooops. i think i said too much =X

haha. sigh. tmr is the start of PW and the what nots. time to become serious again. and i must start mugging chinese... and do that assessment book. If not i would have bought it for nothing.

I suddenly realise I've nothing to blog about. haha... erm, i bought a jacket for 10 bucks today. it's quite nice looking. makes my shoulders look wider, so i don't look so thin. Erm. what else... I met Cheng Hui for lunch. Haha, we had a nice short chat. It's nice to see her =) She said i looked sorta troubled today. I guess it's cause i'm tired. I came home, did a bit of PW, and crashed. for like 3 hours. or more. =x I can't really remember. But I just blacked out.

okay. let's see... my boyfriend's gaming, so let's not bother him. Facebook is totally boring as per usual. I just log in, and realise i don't know what else to do with my profile page, and log out within like 2 mins. I don't want to start watching that korean drama... if i do, i'll end up watching till like daybreak. I suddenly feel freaking tired, but really bored out of my wits. But somehow, it's a feeling i've been longing for a really really long time.

I have reason to believe that i'm the only CCHYian who believes that NYJC is tonnes better than CCHY. I mean, I still miss the old times, but somehow i feel more at home in NYJC. But i still miss 4H'09. Nothing will change that.

There's an urge in me to call chenghui, su xue, kharmei, and calista and just go on a girls date out. I suddenly feel so empty. For some strange reason. And Orson. I think we need to go on one of those dates where we would just sit in one place and talk for ages. suddenly i have to urge to do that too. ok, i give in. i'm going to youtube to find lee min ho. lols.

heehee. i came up with this epic plan today =)

anyways... i watched like 4 episodes of Personal Taste straight once i got home. lols. haha, this lee min ho drama has got me hooked! It's super funny. And strangely coincidental with certain real life events of my own, which is weird. lols... should watch it with orson sometime =) and lee min ho looks alot better in this one than that "boys over flowers" thingy. lols. i think that drama was a little too over exaggerated. Over exaggeration only looks good on specific people. ;)

I'm skipping school tmr, some stupid p.e. traditional games thing the school organised for us. which is the last thing i would want to go to school for. =X I'll prolly stay home do some cooking, housework, and some project work stuff also. haha... work from home. It's a nice concept. Having cca session on friday. argh. I wish the holidays would start now.

although it's the reason you're skipping school tmr, i really hope that you don't come home tired and aching today.

I've got the full song of "Back to December", by Taylor swift. It's heart wrenching. But I can't stop listening to it.

I promise i'll never let you go. In fact i just wanna run into your arms right now.

post promo.... WHOO~!!

HAHAHA! it's OVER =)

haha, pardon me. this girl has gone abit wild. coz promos are OVER xP

I feel so free now. Listening to the David Archuleta CD my aunt bought me the other day. I feel like dancing abit. haha! I went to watch this Andy Lau movie with Orson today. haha, and we were like the only youngsters in the theatre. LOL. seems like all Andy Lau die-hard fans are oldies. haha, we watched the movie because we didn't know what else to watch, by the way. in case you're thinking that either of us is some secret Andy Lau admirer. lols. It's been so damn long since i've went out with him =) Sometimes I wish the education system would provide us more freedom. to enjoy the life bestowed upon us, while it lasts.

Yesterday night, i almost cried when I saw taylor swift's preview of "Back to December". I've a feeling that it's gonna be one of my favourite tracks on her album. Its an apology, to "this guy, who has been perfect in a relationship, but i've just been too careless with him" to quote Taylor. Listening to that song makes me realise how lucky I am to have someone like Orson always by me. He's perfect too. haha, to me he's more than perfect. But what Taylor said made me think back and realise that there are times that I do take him for granted. Like, I know he'll be there, so I don't make effort to thank him for that. Or let him know just how much he means to me. Letting these stuff accumulate is dangerous. So i'll keep that song in mind. So i can be careless with everything else but him. If we fall apart, I will just disintegrate. I'll take in and treasure every single second with you, and I promise to be there for you when you need me too.



Now, today, was much happier. lols
I saw shinee's new video, Hello. haha, it's a cute one. and B2st's new song, Breath. the dance is totally cool...! Sometimes I wish i could sing or dance, but i can do neither. lols. epic fail.

i like the way he smiles
the way he looks at me, and sees me inside out.
the way he ignores the flaws, and sees them as perfection.
the way he talks about our future.
the way he holds me together when i'm breaking apart.
the way he tells me i'm the one and only.

i've never been happier to be the only one.

I've finally wrote a song, from since how long. Haha, this one's personal =) and now my fingers are sore, but i'm getting my guitar fingertips back!

two more papers left. chinese and econs essay paper. somehow i feel like i'm getting complacent. =x must strive on. I rested for today. tmr onwards is full power charge again. i will make it through promos!!

I can't wait till Taylor Swift's new album "Speak Now" comes out on Oct. 25 =) It's super cool, just the first two songs released, Speak Now and Mine, have got me hooked. I need to shop too, i need new dresses. lols. and shoes. and a handbag. retail therapy deprived.


okay. gotta go crash now. i'm dying to sleep.

每次我總 一個人走交叉路口 自己生活這次你卻說帶我走 某個角落 就你和我

每次我總獨自遠走保持沉默 不皺眉頭這次你卻說一起走

Finally, the most feared Geography Paper is OVER. I'm so so so SO relieved. I think i'm going to pass. So i should be fine. =X

I'm really tired now. i feel like collapsing. haha, but i decided i should blog a little. These few days have been crazy. I've laughed, and cryed, punched my fists against the wall, and dug my nails into my skin. I've tried to pretend to be nonchalent, and then I really was. But i couldn't hold it in in the end. But it's all come to this. The journey's halfway done, I'm seeing the light. Just hold on a little more. And it'll all be over. Hopefully, all this would not have come to naught.

And to one person. thank you for holding my hand through it all.

Sometimes i wish i could take a long break. and just runaway. not alone of course. never alone.

pre-battle SPEECH!! LOLS

I don't know when i can blog again, so this prolly is it. till after promos. or maybe i may blog in between. haha, i really don't know.

I don't know if i can make it past promos. But i'll give it my best shot. To give up now, is the true regret. I'll do my best. I promise. One week left. I'll give it my all.

It's at these times when i realise how important certain people are in my life. Like they're irreplacable. To these people, thank you for being who you are, and guiding me through.

and to my dear,
I'm only up when you're not down, don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground. Don't lose hope yet. The battle hasn't begun, and we still have time to prepare. Your mental capacity is higher than most people. ONE WEEK. you can do it!! I believe you can. We'll make it through, together.
Just like you've always been there for me when i need you, i wanna make sure that you pull through to, okay? So promise me, we'll work together. We'll fight together. and win together. Let's take on the world. With you, i know i can.

CHENG HUI. my honor's roll girl. haha, don't say you're gonna give up again hor. bluff me =(
You'll always outshine me, superwoman. And I've no qualms about that. Please lend me some of your strength this time. I miss the times when you would give me a big hug before exams. and when we would say "I feel motivated!" in exaggerated tones, just to boost morale. I really REALLY miss all of those little little things that gave me all the courage i needed to pull through my Os. Now it's Ps. hahaha, for Promos. And you're not here. It seems harder to take exams. =(
Say you believe in me darling. Look me in the eye and tell me I can achieve the impossible.

SU XUE. woah, i miss sitting beside you during exams leh! now always sit beside strangers. =X haha, I wish you all the best for yr promos, sister. I know you're struggling too, but we'll make it through. haha, like we did so before. right? and as we learnt, failing, isn't the end to everything. It's just a grade. It's the journey that counts.

For all the people that love me, believe in me and have faith in me.
everytime you smile, i'll smile; and everytime you shine, i'll shine for you.

P.S. MY DAD TOTALLY ROCKS!!!!

Please don't ever let me go. Even if i'm nowhere near you. Because i'm losing myself.

I feel like a piece of screwed up crap right now. I can't concentrate, my brain's blocking out everything. I can't breathe. Like suffocating or something.

I'm freaking starting to panic for promos. There's too much on the line. Gaaaaaawwwwwwwwddddd. I really can't breathe. Going to starbucks later. maybe a mocha frapp would help me. Seriously, i'm spending all my cash on starbucks.

This girl really wants to runaway.

P.S. i just wanted to add...

dear, i just wanna say i love you, and i'm so damn lucky to have you. even i had to be a thousand miles away for 3 years, my heart would always be with you, and i swear i wouldn't change that. you're everything i've ever wanted and needed, like the last puzzle piece that fell into my life. I'm so sorry for making you worry for me all the time. I'll live my life, with you, to the fullest, and i'll be more positive, for your sake. thank you... for everything. I love you, with all that i've got.

is it too selfish for me to want you to come with me? it is, right. God, please stop this pain. It's tearing me apart.

today was a good, and a bad day. haha. good in the sense that i got to spend much more time with him than i usually would, bad in the sense that i had a stomachache, and seeing mabel leave for australia at the airport, made me think so much about myself.

I would cry. Really badly. Prolly crack a few bad jokes. And I wouldn't let his hand go. Damnit. I've visualised this situation over and over again, for God knows how long, but every time it makes me dread that day even more. Departure gates scare me now. Shit. I feel like crying again.

promise you'll never let my hand or heart go. ever.

i want to study. i want to ace and kill promos. i don't want to let chenghui down after she told me that i must aim for straight Bs. and i don't want to retain. that would be the last thing i'd ever wish for.

but yet, i'm so tired of all these. the concepts the notes, the stupid promo packages. it's starting to wear me. and i'm feeling the brunt of it. JC is stressful. i want to go out with Orson on saturday, I want to send Mabel off at the airport on saturday. but everything in my head tells me to stay home to mug. everything in my heart tells me i need a break. divide me. please.

i really don't wanna go to school tmr. but i have to, coz there's bio lessons and freaking chinese at 7.30. but i have to. this sucks. my eyes are burning, i think because i lack sleep. i wish time could just hell stop for one day.

i'm just going to blog a little while. i don't think i'll have time for more.

I'm trying really hard not to complain about life again. complain about exams, about school, about whatever. I'm just trying to remind myself that i already am much luckier than many other people in the world.

I wish i could live my life again. But then, there's only 3 weeks left to promos. So i've decided to at least try to work harder. It's tiring, but 3 weeks. I think i can do it. Right?

And, I cannot believe that one year has just gone like that. That last year, at this very time, I would be jittering over O levels. Haha, what a joke. Now I wish Promo exams were the same standard as the Os. Fat hope.

Daddy's sick. I hope he gets well soon. I love my dad man. He's like some sorta super guy. He's got flu, he's marking papers, and when i spotted a leak in the bathroom, he fixed it within half hour. Super dad. =)

Having a tummy ache now. I think I overstuffed myself for dinner. indigestion. aaarrrgh.
I'm just going to apologise to everyone around me first. I'm going to lose my life and live solo for these 3 weeks because I need it. The exceptions? My dear, my parents, my closest friends. I need you guys more.

Please let me be strong and get through this without breaking down.

I don't mean to be MEAN, but some people should just shut the hell up, before they irritate me too much, and i'll seriously. SERIOUSLY get nasty. And don't ever get on my bad side. or you'd rather have a gun in your head.

Orson came over to my place today. And I couldn't have spent the day better. I really really don't know how or what I did for me to deserve someone like that. And my aunt and grandma are always full of praises of him. haha! I don't know if it's abit early to say this, but I can't wait to marry the guy. I really envy married couples now. haha. the way they're entitled to take on the world together. we already are taking on things together, just not the world, yet. =)

I didn't really study much today after Orson left. My dad's worried that i'm too stressed up, without me even realising it. I'm prolly visiting starbucks tmr, get some caffeine to perk my moods or something. hah. I'll do my best for the promos. I'm just starting to hate that voice in my head that's starting to tell me that it's doubting if my best is enough. I hope I stay strong enough and not break down again like I did for my mid-years. It's strange, how i'm telling everyone around me to believe in themselves when I myself doubt if I can do it.

My teeth hurt like crazy. Stupid wisdom teeth. Haha, yeah, they're coming out, but i don't feel any wiser at all.

My dear, I wanna wake up and go to sleep to you. I wanna cook and clean, and watch your expressions when you see me do so. I wanna hear you boast about yourself to me, rant about everything that happened in the day. I wanna spend every second of my life with you, and I wouldn't give my hand or heart to anyone else. I love you, and nothing in the world would ever change that.

Sorry for not blogging for so long. I tried keeping up with diary writing again, but the blog's still the best way to rant.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't live without him. I know he's not going to leave me, but i can't live without him, without him physically by my side. I'm trying to push all my attention to studying to push away the fear, but it just comes back. I wish my dad and aunt would stop mentioning about Uni, and me leaving Singapore. I wish they would stop talking like they know i'll fall in love with life there and leave my home for good. I wish they knew i've already given my heart away, and even if i leave, i'd just go as an empty shell.

Today, dad asked if I was sure about going to Australia instead of Canada. I told him Australia was much nearer, and I could come home more often. And that there were more Singaporeans there. Actually i'm not sure. I'm not even sure if I can take care of myself overseas. If i can NOT break down. And then my aunt had to talk about me opening up my horizons if i went to Canada. The funny thing was, at the end of all her talk, she said, maybe i should stay in Singapore. So i could see Orson. I tried to put on an uncaring face. But that's the best thing that i've ever heard today. I don't know why.

I can't wait till I see Orson on tuesday. I can't even spend a freaking weekend without missing my angel. We msned a little while just now. I wanted to tell him I missed him. But i didn't. We didn't talk long today, it was his bedtime, so i shooed him off. Maybe PMS is making me emotional, but, i just broke down and cried on the spot.

all this time i've been running around in circles, trying to find my place in this world. i've found it now. and i'm feeling so secure i don't want to let go. even temporarily. i don't want to face anything alone now.

maybe i'm just being overemotional.

scared.

I should fear less. But I can't help but feel more afraid.

I've been haunted by this memory of mine recently. I've almost clean forgotten about it, until recent weeks. It's so vivid, i'll just describe it in flashback form.

(I'm 14 years old. I'm in sec 3. It's the June holidays. I'm returning to Singapore from Canada)There was still sometime before the flight's boarding gates open. So we were shopping outside immigrations. Dad's still looking at some management books that can't be found in Singapore. He's taking a real long time. My uncle has gone... somewhere. I don't know. Probably buying some outdoor gear or something. Mom and grandma are still fiddling with the luggage. I'd wish they'd stop obsessing about the luggage. Just got a book from the airport bookstore, titled Persuation. It looked helpful for debates. My family was around me, i was lost in my own world of thought, as per usual. Talking to myself in my head. Am I crazy? No. It's my way of living. Canada seemed like a great place. I can't believe I'm going to study here next time. (come to think of it now, in present-day... it's ironic)

That's when I spotted them. They had the features of an East Asian. Chinese, Japanese, or Korean? I think I heard Saranghae. Hmm... Korean I guess. They had a luggage trolley beside them, a small teddy bear on it too. But there was just luggage for one person on the trolley. The girl definitely had been crying. Her eyes are swollen. No, she IS crying. Yes, the tears, they are just falling incessantly. The guy's trying to hard not to cry. Trying to smile, in fact. He's apparently not succeeding in that. She presses her cheek onto his chest, holding on to him so tightly, like she doesn't want to let him go. Because she doesn't. He's holding onto her tight too, looking at the ceiling, as though calling for help from God.

The airport annoucement system says something. I didn't catch. My mom's calling me. I don't feel like turning around. I'm just rooted and drawn to the raw emotions of what i'm witnessing now. You usually see this stuff from dramas. But this is the real thing. The guy glanced at his boarding ticket. He then reached out to release his girl's grip around him, then holds her face between his hands. Unwillingness was all I could see from his face. She's crying even more uncontrollably now. He said something in Korean, I didn't understand. She grabbed the teddy bear and just started shaking her head, like saying no. She looked so helpless, I felt like doing something to help her. But, I'm just a bystander. Mom tapped my shoulder. It was time to board. I turned my back to the scene, and starting to walk into the boarding area. Within a few seconds, I couldn't help but turn behind.

The guy gripped his luggage trolley. Looks like he's taking the same flight as me. The plane stops over at Seoul's Incheon airport before arriving in Singapore, so it makes sense. The girl looked like she was about to collapse at any moment. It was scary. The guy quickened his footsteps and soon he was ahead of us. It was like he was trying to run, quicken the departure, so it would probably hurt less. I turned behind to look at the girl again. She stared until he went into immigrations, and made a turn behind a wall. I think she caught me, the witness. She held my gaze for a few seconds. I gave her a look, trying to tell her that my heart went out to her. She looked back at me. Suddenly she seemed so empty, so lost. She looked at me like she was trying to say "You don't understand. I can't do anything." Then, she walked away.

I think I finally can understand how she feels right now. I think I really do. I'm really afraid of leaving you dear, I'm really really afraid. I'm afraid of becoming so empty, lost, and helpless like she was. But I can't not go. It's something that was planned for me, even before I was born. I feel like it's an obligation I have to fufill, going there, studying there, before coming back. I've never felt more scared of losing something in my entire life. I guess you know now.

My friend, who is taking art, gave me some jumping clay to play with during bio class today. It's damn fun, seriously. I made a fat looking bittergourd, which kahay destroyed. =( haha. But the bittergourd really looked like one okay....!!

okay, i just realised i haven't finished telling my story about why i made the bittergourd. HAHA. Here's my explanation to my desperate attempt on being literary and artistic:
1. Bittergourd may be bitter, but it's full of nutrients! It means that to attain the good stuff in life, one has to go through some hardship.
2. When cooking, Bittergourd is known to 'remove' the unpleasant tastes of certain foods, like fish. So, in making the bittergourd, I'm hoping that it'll take away all the unpleasant stuff in your life. So you can be happier, and trouble free. =)
Should I make a new bittergourd? HAHA. But if i happen to pass by Daiso or Art Friend, I'm SO buying the jumping clay. it's uber fun~! Maybe I'll make another bittergourd. and paint it. lols. maybe i'll make 2 bittergourds! in case one gets destroyed. HAHA

I'm seriously craving for a glass of ice-water now. haha. i know that sounds like damn ridiculous, but yeah. ice-water...!!

Seriously PW and that freaking stupid YOG cheering on Sunday totally ruined my today. But as usual, he managed to bound it back to a high. haha. =) But PW was sucky. seriously, the comments made... haix. I don't even see the wrong in certain parts!! and that YOG cheering? GOD. my 12 bucks spent on a Large sized shirt, which i confirm cannot wear. =( And I don't even want to go for YOG on Sunday! This is totally ridiculous. =( My parents and grandma and aunt are all in support of me playing truant for that thingy.

i'm... going to get my ice-water now. and pack my bag... for tmr =)

ha ha ha=) as everyday passes, i just feel luckier =)

Seriously, I don't know what to blog about today. Oh yeah, i have lots to say.... I mean, i could go on for ages about how my boyfriend is like the best, but, hahaha... I don't want to make anyone else jealous =P My aunt is like beaming with envy upon the thought that my boyfriend is better than her husband. HAHA=) Joleen is also always telling me how great Orson is. I feel like on top of the world. heeheehee... God, i look like an idiot now, smiling to myself in front of the computer screen.

I didn't really pay attention in school today. Somehow my mind was just starting to blank out. Maybe i'm working too hard, and need to de-saturate my brain. haha. Bought myself bubble tea as a motivation today. As I promised myself, I finished my Bio homework. So, now i'm sipping bubble tea, and blogging, while listening to Beast, before i go on to finish my maths homework, and doing a rough outline of my EoM. That's about all you're going to hear about PW in my blog. PW is totally depressing. *throws out of window*

Something's wrong with me. I'm like epic high now. Maybe it's the sugar rush from the S$1 "Green-tea with pearl". ANYways. I'm going to mug throughout national day~! haha, sounds crazy right? I'm planning what to do during the national day holidays, and i've decided that i completely have to eat KFC, because I haven't ate it for a super long time... and i have vouchers! Haha... we can eat while watching the National Day Parade, and me and my aunt will confirm be criticising the parade from head to toe. haha, that's like... a family tradition. LOL. Okay, i'd better go do some work now, make use of this "high-ness". =)

Cheers people!
xoxo
carmen. =)

I'll work hard because it's worth all the faith, support, and love you've given me.

bonamana/lucifer, SuperJunior/SHINee REMIX

Seriously, this is damn cool. =)

Still, i prefer SuJu to SHINee. Haha =P Siwon~~! MinHo~~! (KANAME <3) HAHA. LOL

well, okay, i didn't do as bad for my exams as i thought i did. turns out my percentiles for every subject were quite, okay. unexpected, huh. But i want to work harder, get better grades. something like that, i guess. At least that's what i think i want to do. I'm too tired to think now. But I'm not going to just self improve, but make sure that as i do so, the people around me move up with me. I'll do anything, give anything for that. Especially for one person. You know who you are.

My Aunt's coming back at like 1am tmr. I have to pack her room. haha... it's full of notes and textbooks, coz i've been using it for these 2 months since she'd left. I want her laptop...! like yeah. haha... i have to get my dad to get me a netbook or something. a cheap one. we'll see.

I studied with Joleen in the morning today, and then went to see Orson in the afternoon. Time seems to fly when I'm with him. I just want to hold on tight to every single day and moment that we spend together. I don't know how I'm going to live through that 3 years in University without him. The thought of it scares me. But i'm just going to have to live through it. Right?

그게 축복하는 뜻을 보여주셔서 감사합니다. 난 당신이 가고, 심지어 내 인생의 마지막까지 알려 절대 약속드립니다. 나는이 모든 것을 통해 당신과 함께 걷는, 그것은 비가오나 눈이오나 경우 쓰지 않는 싶어요. 당신은 내 사랑, 그리고 당신을 사랑합니다 감사합니다.

Yesterday he wasn't feeling well. I couldn't breathe properly for a whole one hour plus, till i was sure he was okay. Althought we webcamed when he was feeling better, when i saw him in the first lesson this morning, i was practically fighting back the urge to hug him and say thank God you're alright. I didn't, of course. The math teacher walked into class right after me and Joleen anyway. When I called him to see if he was okay last evening, he didn't pick up. My heart seriously stopped... god, no, please no. After stunning for like a few seconds, I picked up my phone to call again, to realise that he was calling me. As soon as i heard his voice I breathed out heavily. It was then that i realised i had been holding my breath the whole time. I just plopped on the study room chair right behind me... I don't know if it was because my legs gave way, or that I was simply relieved.

Today during assembly the principal talked to us about our Mid year results. Congrats to Qun Jie, Chong Wei, Sze Swee and Jian Sheng, who made it to the honours roll. I felt quite proud that 4 out of 20 of those in the honour's roll came from 4H'09. I told myself to work towards being on that list too. Argh, forget about that sniper plan. I'm not going to work hard, just to overtake one person. I'm going to work hard for myself. For the people who put their faith in me, who believe me. For the people who love me. I want to make them proud.

I guess I'd better eat now. The room is starting to spin. I need my carbohydrates.

YAY! I found my EoM article, like FINALLY. Thank PM Lee Hsien Loong for it! Lols, I used a portion of his 2008 national day rally as my source. Writing the EoM will be saved for later, when i've recharged my empty stomach and now defunct brain.

I wanted to blog yesterday, but I had a math test today, so I ended up doing math, while chatting with Orson on Msn, while watching CSI. and I was actually productive. haha, vectors are fun =)

ok, i have 4 minutes to blog, before I go sleep to fix my dead brain.

***Yesterday***

I woke up late, thanks to the futile night of EoM article searching. My parents, as usual, were mad at the world for making things hard for me. I was kinda mad of them being mad at the world, being me, I always want to deal with everything myself. Hah. Then again, I was mad at me for being such a bloke, wasting my whole night, when i could have figured that doing something else was more productive. The morning ride to school was sorta horrid, me being mad at the world, as of always. I met my classmate Kenny at the Mrt station outside school. He was sorta shocked that a "good student" like me was late for morning lessons. I said it'd make him look less bad in front of our teacher later on. Lols. Turns out he was late because he was buying breakfast for Darence. -.- Darence should count his fortunes. Haha, such a friend is hard to come buy.

So, i walked into class, apologised to my teacher for being 14 minutes late for class (luckily it hadn't begin yet) and sat down, as per usual, between Carol and Orson. My personal "calming pill" did his job, like always. Ha. I remember just looking at him, and then suddenly I wasn't mad at the world anymore. I was the one who should be counting my fortunes. "I'm a lucky girl, blessed with more love than I deserve." I told myself. And from that moment on, the day just simply got better.

I walked with him to the MRT station to go back home. He watched me get on the train. The train doors closed, I waved. He waved back, and smiled. His smile is contagious, influential, somehow. Maybe just for me. But I like it when he smiles. In that spilt second it feels as if nothing else in the world really mattered.
************

Just hold on to me tight, don't ever let me go. That's all I'll ever need.

sorry, i haven't blogged for a really long time.

Woah. alot of things have happened since the last time I blogged. My emotions ran from all time lows to epic highs. I don't know what's up with the mood swings. It's got nothing to do with PMS, and it would absolutely be impossible that I'm having menopause. HAHA. Ah well, all that matters now is just knowing how blessed I am. Here's a preview in to my life a week ago or so.

16/7/2010****
I really don't know what to do now. When my life seems to be getting back on track, everyone around me seems to be crumbling. Chenghui, Carol, Joleen, and my dear Orson. I can't bear to see any of them fall. Especially Orson. THe only one who was really there for me when i was hanging by a thread, the guy who worried for me, the guy who thought for me, the first guy to show me what it's like to love and be loved even more. I'm willing to give, just to make him feel beeter. I feel bad, somehow, that i'm overtaking him in academics. really have no intention of making him feel like he's not doing enough, especially whin i could never have achieved this much without him. Hes like this light that led me out of a black hole, but now it's his turn to fall in. I just don't know how I can help. It's not like he's upset at me for doing well or anything, just that he's actually very happy for me. Which.... makes me feel worse towards him. I don't know what to do. Somehow I feel like a useless bystander. All i can do is to listen to their problems, but i can only TRY to help. I hate it when i see all of them falling like that. Someone help me. Help me to help them. Help Orson. I'm willing to give. Show me what i should do.
**** ****

17/07/2010***
Great. I can't help but feel such a jerk, a useless one. I'm disorganised, always trying to run away, and i never really managed to be strong. I wish i could make things right... but i just can't. And i don't know since when i've been such a cry baby. Whenever I think of me leaving Orson, I just can't help but tear up. That's why I can't retain. I can't fail my promos, or i'll be shipped off to Canada. Hah. So much for my dream and all that 4 years of wishing I was somewhere else rather than in Singapore.
*****

TODAY***
Okay, so you read my story. I kinda wrote little notes in my phone, so i'd blog them when i had the time. Well, I'm feeling much better and happier now. Went out with Orson for a short while today again. Seriously he's like some kind of calming pill. Lols. He looks really tired from dragonboat training today. I think he's getting sick. I can tell he's quite troubled by his studies, but he's not telling me, because he doesn't want me to worry. Silly boy. Why won't you let me be there for you to lean on, just like you always are for me?

Anyways, warning. I'm turning into assassin mode from tomorrow onwards. My goal is to eliminate a certain target in class. I'm not kidding. It seems like the only way to propel my studies forward, and i'm taking the chance. I cannot afford to retain at any cost. Look at my mid year results and I'm at high risk of retaining. Not going to let that happen. Sometimes I find myself scary. But too deep a psychological understanding of oneself can be complicated. Oh well. I'm not going to harm anyone. I'm just going to make a silent kill, the person is not going to realise who took him/her down, and that he/she was even silenced in the first place. Plus the perfect camouflage in a class determined to hound down those grades. Hah. Let the hunt begin.

Wow! I just finished my EoM. =)) YAY! haha, i'm just taking a breather before i go on to mug math, or bio. The weather is crazily hot today. =( So, i'm feeling sorta like a bum, with low productivity. LOL. Orson and I are waging silent war on the top students in class, who have overtaken us in the Mid Year Exams. We will regain our places! lols. hahaha. just something to make mugging a little more exciting. =P

I'm super craving for a Mocha Frappucino from Starbucks. Argh, should I go Starbucks to study? But if I do, there goes my money saving plan. =X haha... i've been spending more and more lately, without remorse. This... is not good. But one good thing though, I'm spending my own money now, so if it depletes, i feel the pinch. So i got my limit set there. I kinda worked things out a little, just take things a step at a time, starting with my studies. I'm not gonna let the stress get to me anymore, have to stay strong and firm, and go on. I can't retain. I HAVE to promote to year 2. No matter what it takes.

Haha, i had this SUPER weird dream last night. It involved Orson, again. Lols. Now he's like a regular in my dreamworld. Hahaha... Aww.. I suddenly miss the times when Su Xue, Cal and I would spend all our free time in school talking about our dreams. I wonder if Su Xue has had any of her strange funny dreams lately. =( Su xue, Calista... i miss you!!!!Anyways, back to my dream last night. I dreamt that Orson was getting married to Hannah. =X Haha, a girl in class that likes him a litte. LOL. So there I was, all oblivious and acting detective, trying to find out how the hell things turned out that way. Then I woke up, to a second dream. HAHA. (yeah, i know it's confusing. I was dreaming about myself dreaming. Get it?) LOL. So, when i woke up (in my dream) he was right next to me, the setting was in my hotel room in Shanghai. But this time, WE were getting married. I found myself looking at the dress, and all the usual hoo-hah from friends. Then I heard Bonamana by SuperJunior. Oh, it was my alarm clock. This time, I really woke up. Hahaha. So weird man. It's always me who gets all these weird dreams that never make any sense at all. Ok, some of them do, but most are just, abnormal. hahahaha.

Okays, I'm gonna either study Maths, or Bio. Hmm... which one should I do first??

I'm having a temporary break for the tortures of PW, since it'd be 2 weeks later for the next submissions of WR version 2.

I just woke up from 15 hours of sleep. Didn't sleep for one whole night of Thursday, finished the WR on Friday morning, right on the dot on the time that i usually wake up. I managed to pull through the day, miraculously, and once i got home, I ate, bathed and crashed from like 6pm till 9am this morning. It's my longest record of sleep ever. PW is the most hated thing of all in JC. Because of PW, i didn't get to spend much time with Orson this week either. We were thinking of going out today, but we're both too exhausted. Haha. Yesterday i fell asleep on him for like a couple of minutes in school.

Haix. It is hard trying to juggle your schoolwork, CCA, PW, friends and having a relationship at the same time. I mean like, it's hard to distribute your time efficiently such that you're not neglecting anyone. But seriously, I don't even know where to focus now. My grades are disasterous... like i failed math by 3marks, and i am really pissed off with myself. i think i'm failing geography too.Oh, and i failed my GP comprehension by 2 marks. I HOPE my essay will score a much better grade, so I won't fail overall. My CCA is about to start soon, this week, in fact... Being President means that I've to set up meetings, cca sessions, and all the usual blahs. PW... argh, don't even talk about it. after WR version 1, i have EOM due on tues, lots of other loose ends that have to be tied up before WR version 2, two weeks later. Friends... I haven't been spending much time with Carol lately. I mean like she still has Jade and the others, but I feel like the two of us are drifting apart. She means alot to me as a friend, but really, i just don't know what to do right now. I'm very much closer to Kahay now, prolly because she's in my PW group and WSC, so we get to spend time doing work together. Joleen is my new best friend too, she just ran into friend problems, so she sorta switched cliques. I go to school with her everyday...But, all in all, my friendship life needs ALOT of patching up. Besides, I haven't seen chenghui, Su Xue or Calista lately. I really miss them alot too. Last, but definitely not least, Orson Orson Orson. Haha. Yeah, I mean like previously we were more or less stuck to each other, even at school, but given the heavy schoolwork which is getting heavier, much more pressure coming under for our grades, and the universally hated Project Work, wow. I'm really afraid I'll run out of time for him and our relationship. He's afraid of this too, but really, it's hard to manage everything all at once. For goodness sake, we even find a hard time finding a time to go out for a meal or something. yeah, i mean i could always study with him, but it would be erroneous if all the time we spent together was just filled with studying. Right?

In a tiny nutshell, my life is in a mess right now. OH, and family. Great. I've been spending lesser and lesser time with my family. I may be at home, but i'm either busy doing work or revision. I can't study at home nowadays, coz i can't seem to concentrate, so i usually go mug at starbucks. during dinner or what with my family, my mind is always somewhere else, worrying about PW or what nots.

ok, going to rest abit more now. =(

I hate PW man. I can't believe i'm working my ass of for some subject which i don't even need to care about, since i'm going overseas. grah grah grah grah grah.

haha, i feel so lazy now. i just slept for like the entire day, when i was supposed to clear my landfill aka desk. aiya, then tomorrow going out almost the whole day... so tonight i shall have to work on the landfill, or i shall blame myself for the whole week. Listening to Bonamana by Superjunior for the dunno how manyth time. I'm just addicted to the song... Hahaha. It somehow seems to wake me up. =) Orson hasn't been online for the whole day, I think he went for GP tuition, then going out for dinner with his family. I feel so bored. haha, well, not really lah, since i slept for the entire day =X

Still reeling from lethargy now, despite Bonamana and that rude shock-reminder on the school's online portal that we have PW week this week. =( YAWN. Ok, this post is so lame. There's absolutely nothing to talk about, because i'm blogging just to procastinate from doing anything else. I should start getting to work.... right?

~somehow the conversation had shifted from the Chinese 课文 on 别离的故事 to us fast-forwarded 1.5 years. I'd wouldn't be in Singapore for 3 years, and he would be off with his national service. hah. i don't know how we ended talking about death. i told him that if he left me, i probably would survive, but i wouldn't be living, like an empty shell. he told me that he'd feel the same way too, and he swore he wouldn't get another girl, because i was simply irreplacable. then he looked me in the eyes and said "i want you to promise me, if anything ever happens to me, you're gonna move on with life, and if you find another guy better than me, move on, okay?" for a second there i was dumbfounded, and my head just started shaking sideways, saying no. he stared into me, "i want you to promise me that". i managed to choke out "no, i can't, i won't." it was at that moment when i realised just how much he meant to me. i couldn't imagine him leaving, just walking out of my life. and that very morning i was doubting if i truly loved him enough to make this relationship work. at that moment my doubts all came to nothing. i need him with me, somehow, anyhow. we stared into each other in momentary silence. i saw his eyes becoming wet. then, i felt something trickle down my nose bridge. hah. i just cried. it was a total bella and edward moment. i think i would become like Bella in New Moon, if he left me. an empty shell. and nothing more. eventually i cracked a smile, and everything started to fall back into normal. but i knew now that i couldn't let him go. i can't.

Kahay, Orson (my boyfriend!) and ME. =) at the shanghai world scholar's cup global round.

Me and my dear. At Yu yuan garden in Shanghai.

Finally, the Mid-year exams are almost over. Still have Chinese paper on friday, but haha, what the heck. At least the content intensive stuff are way OVER. I'm finally less stressed and more relaxed now. JC life is really scary. I don't know how many times i've broke down along the way already. Argh, but luckily there's my dad, there's Orson these two guys in my life, helping this damsel in super distress. =)

But i really am lucky to have Orson in my life. The feeling of being loved is, nice... it's heart warming, to know that there's someone's shoulder which you can lean on, whenever, whereever. Someone's hand you can hold on to when you're feeling unsure. It was like 3 days before mid years, and the stress was really getting to me. I was trying very hard to suppress it, tell myself that i can make it, i can do this, but i just let all the pressure get to me. so i just crumbled, and cried. It was really funny though, like my dad was comforting me and all, and the webcam was on, and just nice, the person on the other side could see me breaking down at the side of the camera. And that person on the other side was Orson. In the end he got all so worried he called me immediately, and we just talked... a lot. He rushed over to Yishun after his WCG competition the next day, and he stayed with me while i read Econs. That day, i woke up feeling all useless and teary. I felt like screaming, like crying, like running away from everything, or just self-destructing on the spot. After I saw him, it was like, all better again. Like things weren't so bad.

My parents must have thought I'm crazy. I went out of the house in an all time low, and returned home a few hours later feeling happy and high. LOL. was even singing Bonamana on the way into the living room.

I'm glad I have him. I'm lucky to have him. I always get this feeling that he loves me more than i love him. Hmmm.... i haven't told my parents about us yet. Was intending to wait until after mid-years. I have absolutely NO idea how they will react. like, yea... but i wish to tell them sooner, rather than later, or wait and drag. Don't think i can stand keeping just a big thing from my parents for long. I REALLY hope they approve. Because whether or not they do, i'll be stuck with Orson. I'm hanging on to JC life mostly because of him. Asking me to give him up would be akin to telling me to give up on everything i've lived for for the past half a year.

Ok, i gotta sleep now. have been sleep deprived from since dunno when. check back sometime after the CHINESE PAPER.

i'm back from shanghai. came back with much more than i brought there.

I really miss my Scholar's cup team now, haha. though i'll get to see them in school everyday, but, i'll miss the crazy times when we would chain arms and sing aloud in the streets of Shanghai, our parties in each other's hotel rooms, our weird food experiments like eating pizza crust with ice-cream, and watermelon with soy sauce, which btw, is delish. It's the best vaccation i've ever had. And i'm determined not to forget any second of it all.

Well, second thing. It's official. I got myself a boyfriend. Dang, it feels damn weird to type that sentence. I have a BOYFRIEND. yeash. yes, it's him. it's him. He is in my scholars cup team too, and he popped the question while my roommate Sharin was in the shower. haha... it feels, nice, to have someone's shoulder to plop your head on, and someone's hand to hold onto when you walk around. The first kiss was, crazy. haha. I still can't believe all these happened. Everytime i hold his hand again, i feel like i'm falling deeper and deeper, like i just let my heart run free, for the very first time. strangely, because of this, i got back my motivation to study again. The world suddenly doesn't seem so depressing or so bad anymore. Going to break the news to my parents after the exams. I'm so not sure about how'd they react. They told me once, about 2 years back, that they'd want me to date at the age of 21. Which is totally insane. Well, they do have a quite good impression of him so far, so we'll see how it goes. i'll upload some pictures soon. My awesome boyfriend, Orson. HAHA. God, i feel like a lucky girl. finally, after a long time, i feel like a lucky girl.

back to studying now i guess. =) cheers people, cheers.