triple confessions.

There wasn't school today, so I went out with him. I was so happy I completely forgot what I wanted to talk to him about. Until I was on the way home.

Seriously, Monday, till Wednesday was quite horrible for me. Thursday I spent the day with my PW group, so keeping busy with random stuff helped to offset my thoughts for a while.

Monday:
He seriously lacked sleep. Which equals to bad mood. Yeah, I know. I'm like that when I lack sleep too. But at least you're always the exception. Like I can never get mad at you. But you're cold to me too. Mac asked me if you were the one for me. Without hesitation, I said "Yeah, I guess so..." Then, you came into the lecture theatre. Though you were sitting beside me, it felt as if you were miles away. I felt left in the cold for a while. "Maybe I wasn't doing enough to make you feel better. Yeah, it's my fault I guess." That's what I thought then. Guilt. Later in the day, your mood got abit better. And so did mine. My brain continued to ransack itself for ideas to cheer you up more. when walking to the MRT on the way home, i tried the stupid idea of making act-cute expressions. Heh, didn't really succeed. I went home feeling "not good enough". Before I slept that night, I decided you needed a cookie and some snack to make you feel better. I got up from my bed to the study room, and started writing a note.

Tuesday:
I was hoping you would feel much better today. Yeah, you were. Haha. We didn't get to talk much today again. Tomorrow is the 20th. And I would be dining with you. Or so I thought. I decided to give you some personal space today. You looked stressed from PW. Ms Chua told me our group's WR was generally okay. For some reason I felt guilt again. I wished I could stop feeling like this. Then again, I wish I could be of more help to you. Seeing you slog so hard pains me. I'd willingly write your entire WR. And you could go sleep. On the way home, alone, I thought about some elaborate plan for our anniversay tmr. I went home, and started preparing. Yeah, the series of teddy bear notes. I still had WR to do. But this was much more important. I practically went jumping when you called me on your way home. I posted the teddy bear thing on my facebook profile page. And you smiled. I felt good for the first time this week. Then things took a turn for the worse. Didn't it?

Heh. Yeah, I thought I was of some use finally, when you asked me to take a look at your WR. I remembered that ms chua said your WR's english wasn't good. You asked me to look at page something, section 5. I didn't know you meant that section 5 for that page only. and I went on and on till page 20. Daddy was mad at me for working on the computer instead of watching tv with him. But I still went on. I sent the stuff back to you. I hoped I had helped. But your reaction told sorta otherwise. Then you excused yourself to go offline. Right then and there, I felt like a complete bitch and useless freak. Yeah, everyone seemed angry at me that day. And nothing I did felt right. I felt like a mistake myself, a burden, trouble, nothing good. I still did up the stuff for our anniversary tmr. I saved the file, to find it gone later on. That almost accertained the thought that i was indeed absolutely useless. I still redid the stuff. I couldn't sleep much that night. There were 2 nightmares of how you were going to walk out on me. I think i cried a total of 5 hours plus.

Wednesday
I was afraid of going to school. I was afraid that you would dump me. My eyes looked like some goldfish. I looked in the mirror and laughed at myself. Hah. Yeah, why would someone like me even deserve you. I checked my phone and I received your sms. Relief. You weren't going to breakup with me, and still loved me. Relief. But you didn't say you would forgive me yet. Actually, I don't exactly know what i did wrong. Strangely, I still felt wrong. (I still don't exactly know where I went wrong. Please enlighten me) I went to school, finished up what was left undone from last night. You came after your morning training to find me. Thank God. I showed you the stuff. You smiled. And then everything returned to normal. Phew. Triple Relief. At least the nightmares didn't come true. Then after the lectures, you went for the Chinese talk thing. I went solo to the library. I didn't have breakfast, but I wanted to wait for you to eat lunch. My stomach was screaming for food. I gave it a couple of gastric pills. You still hadn't finish the chinese talk thing yet. The library was freezing, and my laptop ran out of battery. So I went downstairs. After that, you came. Haaaaahhh. Food. I bought TomYam noodles. Heh, my favourite from the canteen. You told me you couldn't eat dinner with me today. My heart sank till beneath my feet, but I tried smiling. "Have to be more understanding" I told myself. "Just make the best out of lunch". Throughout lunch, you were working on your laptop. I felt like I shouldn't disturb you, although I still hoped you would talk to me. You didn't. The noodles became tasteless. I lost appetite. It was a hot day, but I felt cold. You asked for a hug before you left me. That felt reassuring, but wasn't enough. I walked as fast as I can, so I could get out of school asap. I needed some sorta adrenaline rush. But I seriously felt we were drifting apart. Like everything till now was just a fairytale. That was about to end, unhappily. And it was all my fault. Buried myself in work when I got home. You smsed me after your PW meeting. Things lightened up abit. Maybe doomsday wouldn't come afterall. Maybe.

Today.
Now, everything's okay. No breakup, no tears, no feeling like i just kicked the ass of Hades, and was about to face the most terrible consequence ever. The magic came back today. and I smiled like I haven't, for a really really long time.