simplicity.me

sorry, i haven't blogged for a really long time.

Woah. alot of things have happened since the last time I blogged. My emotions ran from all time lows to epic highs. I don't know what's up with the mood swings. It's got nothing to do with PMS, and it would absolutely be impossible that I'm having menopause. HAHA. Ah well, all that matters now is just knowing how blessed I am. Here's a preview in to my life a week ago or so.

16/7/2010****
I really don't know what to do now. When my life seems to be getting back on track, everyone around me seems to be crumbling. Chenghui, Carol, Joleen, and my dear Orson. I can't bear to see any of them fall. Especially Orson. THe only one who was really there for me when i was hanging by a thread, the guy who worried for me, the guy who thought for me, the first guy to show me what it's like to love and be loved even more. I'm willing to give, just to make him feel beeter. I feel bad, somehow, that i'm overtaking him in academics. really have no intention of making him feel like he's not doing enough, especially whin i could never have achieved this much without him. Hes like this light that led me out of a black hole, but now it's his turn to fall in. I just don't know how I can help. It's not like he's upset at me for doing well or anything, just that he's actually very happy for me. Which.... makes me feel worse towards him. I don't know what to do. Somehow I feel like a useless bystander. All i can do is to listen to their problems, but i can only TRY to help. I hate it when i see all of them falling like that. Someone help me. Help me to help them. Help Orson. I'm willing to give. Show me what i should do.
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17/07/2010***
Great. I can't help but feel such a jerk, a useless one. I'm disorganised, always trying to run away, and i never really managed to be strong. I wish i could make things right... but i just can't. And i don't know since when i've been such a cry baby. Whenever I think of me leaving Orson, I just can't help but tear up. That's why I can't retain. I can't fail my promos, or i'll be shipped off to Canada. Hah. So much for my dream and all that 4 years of wishing I was somewhere else rather than in Singapore.
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TODAY***
Okay, so you read my story. I kinda wrote little notes in my phone, so i'd blog them when i had the time. Well, I'm feeling much better and happier now. Went out with Orson for a short while today again. Seriously he's like some kind of calming pill. Lols. He looks really tired from dragonboat training today. I think he's getting sick. I can tell he's quite troubled by his studies, but he's not telling me, because he doesn't want me to worry. Silly boy. Why won't you let me be there for you to lean on, just like you always are for me?

Anyways, warning. I'm turning into assassin mode from tomorrow onwards. My goal is to eliminate a certain target in class. I'm not kidding. It seems like the only way to propel my studies forward, and i'm taking the chance. I cannot afford to retain at any cost. Look at my mid year results and I'm at high risk of retaining. Not going to let that happen. Sometimes I find myself scary. But too deep a psychological understanding of oneself can be complicated. Oh well. I'm not going to harm anyone. I'm just going to make a silent kill, the person is not going to realise who took him/her down, and that he/she was even silenced in the first place. Plus the perfect camouflage in a class determined to hound down those grades. Hah. Let the hunt begin.