scared.

I should fear less. But I can't help but feel more afraid.

I've been haunted by this memory of mine recently. I've almost clean forgotten about it, until recent weeks. It's so vivid, i'll just describe it in flashback form.

(I'm 14 years old. I'm in sec 3. It's the June holidays. I'm returning to Singapore from Canada)There was still sometime before the flight's boarding gates open. So we were shopping outside immigrations. Dad's still looking at some management books that can't be found in Singapore. He's taking a real long time. My uncle has gone... somewhere. I don't know. Probably buying some outdoor gear or something. Mom and grandma are still fiddling with the luggage. I'd wish they'd stop obsessing about the luggage. Just got a book from the airport bookstore, titled Persuation. It looked helpful for debates. My family was around me, i was lost in my own world of thought, as per usual. Talking to myself in my head. Am I crazy? No. It's my way of living. Canada seemed like a great place. I can't believe I'm going to study here next time. (come to think of it now, in present-day... it's ironic)

That's when I spotted them. They had the features of an East Asian. Chinese, Japanese, or Korean? I think I heard Saranghae. Hmm... Korean I guess. They had a luggage trolley beside them, a small teddy bear on it too. But there was just luggage for one person on the trolley. The girl definitely had been crying. Her eyes are swollen. No, she IS crying. Yes, the tears, they are just falling incessantly. The guy's trying to hard not to cry. Trying to smile, in fact. He's apparently not succeeding in that. She presses her cheek onto his chest, holding on to him so tightly, like she doesn't want to let him go. Because she doesn't. He's holding onto her tight too, looking at the ceiling, as though calling for help from God.

The airport annoucement system says something. I didn't catch. My mom's calling me. I don't feel like turning around. I'm just rooted and drawn to the raw emotions of what i'm witnessing now. You usually see this stuff from dramas. But this is the real thing. The guy glanced at his boarding ticket. He then reached out to release his girl's grip around him, then holds her face between his hands. Unwillingness was all I could see from his face. She's crying even more uncontrollably now. He said something in Korean, I didn't understand. She grabbed the teddy bear and just started shaking her head, like saying no. She looked so helpless, I felt like doing something to help her. But, I'm just a bystander. Mom tapped my shoulder. It was time to board. I turned my back to the scene, and starting to walk into the boarding area. Within a few seconds, I couldn't help but turn behind.

The guy gripped his luggage trolley. Looks like he's taking the same flight as me. The plane stops over at Seoul's Incheon airport before arriving in Singapore, so it makes sense. The girl looked like she was about to collapse at any moment. It was scary. The guy quickened his footsteps and soon he was ahead of us. It was like he was trying to run, quicken the departure, so it would probably hurt less. I turned behind to look at the girl again. She stared until he went into immigrations, and made a turn behind a wall. I think she caught me, the witness. She held my gaze for a few seconds. I gave her a look, trying to tell her that my heart went out to her. She looked back at me. Suddenly she seemed so empty, so lost. She looked at me like she was trying to say "You don't understand. I can't do anything." Then, she walked away.

I think I finally can understand how she feels right now. I think I really do. I'm really afraid of leaving you dear, I'm really really afraid. I'm afraid of becoming so empty, lost, and helpless like she was. But I can't not go. It's something that was planned for me, even before I was born. I feel like it's an obligation I have to fufill, going there, studying there, before coming back. I've never felt more scared of losing something in my entire life. I guess you know now.