had a very interesting email convo with carol today. however, i'm not allowed to reveal anymore ;)

tmr going to tutor chinese at j-co. firstly, i've to make sure that i'm not late, and secondly, i've to ensure that i will focus 100% tmr. it's chinese A levels on monday, and i can't believe that i'm not at all panicking, or even feeling concerned. i think i'll panick tmr though... haha. i will wake up early to study chinese!! i'm more worried abt OP then Chinese really... i think i'll confirm get a B for chinese. =(

i want taylor swift's new album! argh... today went to borders and That CD shop, and didn't find it. turns out only parkway borders has it. haha.

OKAY. SLEEP. i promised to. =x

my voice is really tired today after all the OP training. I'll sleep by 11pm today. i'm dead tired.

thank you for the beautiful day today =) I totally forgot the dream I had last night for today at least. It was about the last day here, and that i was going to go off to study the next day. I don't think I need to describe how I felt. There was a twist to that dream. I ran away. I ran home, back into your arms. Hah.

I went to his place for the first time today. haha, to teach him chinese. it was fun, definitely, it was. to be totally honest for many days from last week, i haven't really felt the full magic between us. Like there was something missing. Today it all came back. And you've got this girl dancing around in her room.

We were eating dinner at this food court, and sitting beside us were a old couple. He nudged me and said something like the eldery couple were the "older version of us". Haha, it was funny, but it was quite amazing to think of it that way. haha. I don't think we'll be like that old couple though, enjoying a meal in silence. I mean, i'd be absolutely happy to just eat a meal in your company, yes, but i don't think we'll run out of things to say over the years. i wish we can go on together like this, till we're old. i'll hold on to that flashforward. now, i can't imagine life without you anymore.

I've alot of feelings that i can't put in words. But all i can say is that they are all positive ones. and suddenly i'm looking forward to the day when i wake up, see your face, and it's not a dream.

you say that you're losing that feeling.

though i don't know what you are losing. i hope it's not me. because i still love you as much, no, even more that the first time i met you. and it's been perfect so far, we just met a small bump in the road. but that's not gonna stop me, and nothing else will, from loving you with everything i've got. till my very last breath. so, don't you ever tell me you'll let me go.

don't you ever tell me to let you go. cause i won't. ever.

I'm almost broke. running out of cash, and quick. i wish the school would stop asking us for cash.

Yeah, i read his letter. It was a response to my previous post, to that week. The fact is i don't really care what happened before, as long as it made us stronger now. and i think it did. there're still some stuff i need to talk to you about though. but i'll never let you go. don't even think about it, you're stuck with me for the rest of your life. you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

taylor swift's new album is quite a dissapointment... heh, her style become quite mixed up with some other styles, that it doesn't really sound " country" anymore. But i still love the honesty in her songs. and i really need to complete my songs. haha, i've been writing too many incomplete tunes lately.

i really hope he has no training tmr... i wanna go J-Co again. =x

Yay, the conference finally ended today. It was a good day. Especially at the animal shelter... I bonded especially with this dog named Limpy, and this cat, whose name i've yet to ask. Jasmine and I both want to organise another trip back down to the Mutts and Mittens shelter, so we can visit the animals again. I wish I could adopt one, but i don't think i have the responsibility to take care of it. =x

Argh, it's late, i'm tired. and the effects of that mug of coke i drank just now is starting to wear off. ahh! just nice. Kahay finished printing the WR. Time to SLEEP.

hehs, somehow i wish i could snuggle up next to him and sleep tonight.

when you and i collide. =)

There's one moment that makes me feel happy
The time when i met someone like you
and realising that love exists

I love you, I think this feeling is love
Without you, I can't smile
even if i shed tears, i only need you my love.

Some song lyrics.
I'm really tired today. Just wanted to say jiayous dear, i'm just trying to be behind you no matter what.

triple confessions.

There wasn't school today, so I went out with him. I was so happy I completely forgot what I wanted to talk to him about. Until I was on the way home.

Seriously, Monday, till Wednesday was quite horrible for me. Thursday I spent the day with my PW group, so keeping busy with random stuff helped to offset my thoughts for a while.

Monday:
He seriously lacked sleep. Which equals to bad mood. Yeah, I know. I'm like that when I lack sleep too. But at least you're always the exception. Like I can never get mad at you. But you're cold to me too. Mac asked me if you were the one for me. Without hesitation, I said "Yeah, I guess so..." Then, you came into the lecture theatre. Though you were sitting beside me, it felt as if you were miles away. I felt left in the cold for a while. "Maybe I wasn't doing enough to make you feel better. Yeah, it's my fault I guess." That's what I thought then. Guilt. Later in the day, your mood got abit better. And so did mine. My brain continued to ransack itself for ideas to cheer you up more. when walking to the MRT on the way home, i tried the stupid idea of making act-cute expressions. Heh, didn't really succeed. I went home feeling "not good enough". Before I slept that night, I decided you needed a cookie and some snack to make you feel better. I got up from my bed to the study room, and started writing a note.

Tuesday:
I was hoping you would feel much better today. Yeah, you were. Haha. We didn't get to talk much today again. Tomorrow is the 20th. And I would be dining with you. Or so I thought. I decided to give you some personal space today. You looked stressed from PW. Ms Chua told me our group's WR was generally okay. For some reason I felt guilt again. I wished I could stop feeling like this. Then again, I wish I could be of more help to you. Seeing you slog so hard pains me. I'd willingly write your entire WR. And you could go sleep. On the way home, alone, I thought about some elaborate plan for our anniversay tmr. I went home, and started preparing. Yeah, the series of teddy bear notes. I still had WR to do. But this was much more important. I practically went jumping when you called me on your way home. I posted the teddy bear thing on my facebook profile page. And you smiled. I felt good for the first time this week. Then things took a turn for the worse. Didn't it?

Heh. Yeah, I thought I was of some use finally, when you asked me to take a look at your WR. I remembered that ms chua said your WR's english wasn't good. You asked me to look at page something, section 5. I didn't know you meant that section 5 for that page only. and I went on and on till page 20. Daddy was mad at me for working on the computer instead of watching tv with him. But I still went on. I sent the stuff back to you. I hoped I had helped. But your reaction told sorta otherwise. Then you excused yourself to go offline. Right then and there, I felt like a complete bitch and useless freak. Yeah, everyone seemed angry at me that day. And nothing I did felt right. I felt like a mistake myself, a burden, trouble, nothing good. I still did up the stuff for our anniversary tmr. I saved the file, to find it gone later on. That almost accertained the thought that i was indeed absolutely useless. I still redid the stuff. I couldn't sleep much that night. There were 2 nightmares of how you were going to walk out on me. I think i cried a total of 5 hours plus.

Wednesday
I was afraid of going to school. I was afraid that you would dump me. My eyes looked like some goldfish. I looked in the mirror and laughed at myself. Hah. Yeah, why would someone like me even deserve you. I checked my phone and I received your sms. Relief. You weren't going to breakup with me, and still loved me. Relief. But you didn't say you would forgive me yet. Actually, I don't exactly know what i did wrong. Strangely, I still felt wrong. (I still don't exactly know where I went wrong. Please enlighten me) I went to school, finished up what was left undone from last night. You came after your morning training to find me. Thank God. I showed you the stuff. You smiled. And then everything returned to normal. Phew. Triple Relief. At least the nightmares didn't come true. Then after the lectures, you went for the Chinese talk thing. I went solo to the library. I didn't have breakfast, but I wanted to wait for you to eat lunch. My stomach was screaming for food. I gave it a couple of gastric pills. You still hadn't finish the chinese talk thing yet. The library was freezing, and my laptop ran out of battery. So I went downstairs. After that, you came. Haaaaahhh. Food. I bought TomYam noodles. Heh, my favourite from the canteen. You told me you couldn't eat dinner with me today. My heart sank till beneath my feet, but I tried smiling. "Have to be more understanding" I told myself. "Just make the best out of lunch". Throughout lunch, you were working on your laptop. I felt like I shouldn't disturb you, although I still hoped you would talk to me. You didn't. The noodles became tasteless. I lost appetite. It was a hot day, but I felt cold. You asked for a hug before you left me. That felt reassuring, but wasn't enough. I walked as fast as I can, so I could get out of school asap. I needed some sorta adrenaline rush. But I seriously felt we were drifting apart. Like everything till now was just a fairytale. That was about to end, unhappily. And it was all my fault. Buried myself in work when I got home. You smsed me after your PW meeting. Things lightened up abit. Maybe doomsday wouldn't come afterall. Maybe.

Today.
Now, everything's okay. No breakup, no tears, no feeling like i just kicked the ass of Hades, and was about to face the most terrible consequence ever. The magic came back today. and I smiled like I haven't, for a really really long time.

I sent him an sms. saying i'm sorry. I don't even know if i'm doing the right thing anymore.

shit. I just did the wrong thing. i'm so mad at myself right now. i can't think of anything to make this right.

he went offline. actually i wish he could just call me to trash me or just scold me or whatever. at least some expression of aggression would be better than disappearance. It's the worst torture ever. I tried to help. Yeah, tried. And I overdid it. I should've know better right? Why did i only realise it after everything? I wish he'd talk to me right now. At least tell me that i'm wrong, or that i'm a total ass or something. I feel like such a bitch.

I don't feel like going to school tmr. though i should. there's math lecture. and there's no reason for me to skip. I have no idea what to do now.

That day Mac was asking me, if he was the right guy for me. I said yes. Come to think of it, he is the right one for me. But i'm not sure íf i'm the right one for him. I mean, I'm the one with the mistakes most of the time. ugh. complete idiot. That day joleen was telling me "no man should ever make you cry, the one who does, doesn't deserve your tears". I don't feel like crying now. i feel like, punishing myself.

I'm really trying very hard though. I've practically spent the entire of the past two days thinking about how and what can make him smile, despite all the stress. And I don't know why, but it seems like other people can make him smile just like that. Without thinking. Maybe that "friend" in sec 2 was right. "No one will ever like you for who you are. You're just a tool that's been used and thrown away." I thought I forgot all about those people and what they said. Usually, I can't even recall that entire year. Now their taunts are all flooding back into my mind. It feels like some scary memory relapse. I'm alone again. God. What am I thinking... God. Maybe this is my punishment.

My head hurts. My heart hurts. I don't think i can sleep tonight. And suddenly tears are pouring out of my eyes. I'm praying that everything will be okay tomorrow. And that voice in my head would shut the fuck up.

this... is going to be a long post.

i finally finished watching the drama "Personal Taste" =) As per usual, the drama had a happy ending. haha... i was desperately trying to stop myself from crying when Jin-ho ssi and Kae-in ssi broke up. Lucky got happy ending. Or else my heart would have died.

I was telling Orson how much I hate it when in dramas, the climax is usually when the guy/girl breaks up with the person that he/she loves, thinking that it is better for the other partner. Although i know that they will eventually get together in the end, why hurt each other so much when you both love each other? I told Orson never to break up with me cause of such silly reasons. I told him I would die if he did so. He sounded skeptical to my response. haha. I told him watching people in the drama go through this is already enough to make me want to cry like mad... if it were me, like really ME experiencing it, yeah, i think my heart would have stopped. Hey dear, you're talking to this girl who sometimes cries herself to sleep thinking that she's going to spend a few years overseas to study, without you.

Speaking about that, my dad brought me to this study fair today. It was about studying in Canada, and the intake of new students was as early as January next year. I mean, i would save one year of studying if I went overseas next year. But i was firm in saying no. I want to finish my A levels first. Definitely. My aunt was all crazy about me going over next year. My mom didn't want me to go so early. Today my aunt asked me, as a joke, if I was staying in Singapore because of Orson. In my heart, i clearly knew that it was true, but i couldn't admit it, coz neither of our families know that we're official yet. So i wailed "No!", my mentally muttering an apology to my dear. haha.

폰가원의 일기 예보 날씨
The skies have finally cleared today, so i can see the blue sky, and the path that's ahead of me. When i was in secondary school, i was always begging my parents to send me overseas, because i didn't feel entirely at home in my old school. I mean, I had great friends and all, but the overall environment, still made me feel like i was an outsider. I wanted to go overseas because i equated my old school to Singapore, my old schoolmates to Singaporeans. I thought I would never belong here. I thought that if I went abroad, and just take on the world head on, i would survive, and find the place where I belong. My parents didn't want me to go overseas then. They told me I wasn't "grown up" enough, they told me I wasn't ready. Back then, I thought they were just overprotective. Now, I realise that they are right.

Anyway, I made my choice, and am where I am now. I should thank my parents for not letting me venture abroad. Here, I found where i belonged. I found a place where I was recognised for the things I did, where the environment enveloped me, though not entirely, but sufficiently for me to take in Nanyang as my second home. And by a beautiful coincidence, i bumped into this guy who may be the very one who will walk me through my life. Rewind a few years, and I would have believed my life to be fabricated by a pack of lies and deceptions that I wove for myself. I preferred to live in imagination than in reality. He showed me that the real world wasn't so scary after all. That my life contained a large portion of truth. And that I had alot to learn, that I wasn't "grown up". Naaah, he didn't make me realise that i was some ignorant freak, haha, but rather he helped me come to terms with who i really am, and work with that to get to higher ground, or my full potential. He made me into someone who knows how to love herself, and to love others with much more than what she had.

Now, I no longer see the need, or the strong desire to go abroad. The people who knew me thought that it was my only goal. And I saw it as sort of a glory, really, it was just an egoistic aspiration. Now I see the stronger pull to stay, not only because I have found where i belong, and someone whom i can love and depend on. But because he helped me realise that I'm still a girl. I'm not matured enough, I'm not ready, to take on the world beyond this little red dot yet.

That's why, daddy, i have to say that I can't go in January. I'm not strong enough yet. I'm still the girl who wants to hide behind you, mom or even Orson, when things start to go wrong. And when I'm out there, I know I can't. I'm not physically, emotionally or mentally ready. Especially when you're asking me to leave when I've just found my place. You may not see it, because in your eyes, I'll always be your little girl. I may be more stressed up here, but at least I have people and warm arms to run into. I won't dash your hopes for me by not going to see the world, but allow me at least one more year. To finish up my A levels. To prepare myself to face life without you, mom, and especially my dear. I need time to mature, to grow up, so that when I do go, I can but do so with more certainty, and cause less worry to the people who love me here.

I cannot thank you enough, my jin-ho ssi. haha. you made me realise so much. the main reason i can't leave is still because of you. because i don't know what i would do without you.

yes, 폰가원's weather forecast for the days ahead predicts that the clouds have finally cleared. The confusion in her heart is all gone, thanks to a particular real-life jinho ssi who placed his faith and love in her. no matter the weather in the future, rain, thunder, or shine; i will not run away from it all anymore. Because i know i'll be fine, if you're with me.

my story, will, too, have a happy ending.

I'm going to finish watching the Lee Min Ho drama by Sunday. haha... =) And i'm going to watch it all over again with Orson during the holidays =)

Having PW tmr. =( I don't like it, but somehow i'm glad I've PW tmr. There are just too many things running through my mind now. and I need stuff to keep me busy with. I guess i'll just be focusing myself on work and my dear. and just sleep the rest of the day off. i get the feeling that there's news that i may not want to hear. I'm not so sure yet. But we'll see.

폰가원의 일기 예보 날씨
tomorrow's weather is going to be unpredictable. haha, i can't believe i'm copying kae-in ssi in her weather forecast thingy. but it's a nice way to express stuff. yeah, tomorrow's weather is going to be unpredictable. but somehow i think i can face it. because you'll be there for me with an umbrella. rain or shine =) as long as he can shelter me though it all, i know i'll be fine.

我好好回珍惜我们一起度过的每一个时光。但没有一刻会成为我们的最后。

it's funny how he makes me smile during all the times when i need to.
당신을 사랑합니다...

Now i know why girls have such high expectations of guys. Blame it on people like Lee Min Ho who paint the picture of perfect boyfriends in their dramas. hahaha! I think i'm getting influenced to. Now i'm wishing that my guy would just grab me by surprise and kiss me. and follow up with some mushy statement. HAHA. (this is a very big hint!!!) ooops. i think i said too much =X

haha. sigh. tmr is the start of PW and the what nots. time to become serious again. and i must start mugging chinese... and do that assessment book. If not i would have bought it for nothing.

I suddenly realise I've nothing to blog about. haha... erm, i bought a jacket for 10 bucks today. it's quite nice looking. makes my shoulders look wider, so i don't look so thin. Erm. what else... I met Cheng Hui for lunch. Haha, we had a nice short chat. It's nice to see her =) She said i looked sorta troubled today. I guess it's cause i'm tired. I came home, did a bit of PW, and crashed. for like 3 hours. or more. =x I can't really remember. But I just blacked out.

okay. let's see... my boyfriend's gaming, so let's not bother him. Facebook is totally boring as per usual. I just log in, and realise i don't know what else to do with my profile page, and log out within like 2 mins. I don't want to start watching that korean drama... if i do, i'll end up watching till like daybreak. I suddenly feel freaking tired, but really bored out of my wits. But somehow, it's a feeling i've been longing for a really really long time.

I have reason to believe that i'm the only CCHYian who believes that NYJC is tonnes better than CCHY. I mean, I still miss the old times, but somehow i feel more at home in NYJC. But i still miss 4H'09. Nothing will change that.

There's an urge in me to call chenghui, su xue, kharmei, and calista and just go on a girls date out. I suddenly feel so empty. For some strange reason. And Orson. I think we need to go on one of those dates where we would just sit in one place and talk for ages. suddenly i have to urge to do that too. ok, i give in. i'm going to youtube to find lee min ho. lols.

heehee. i came up with this epic plan today =)

anyways... i watched like 4 episodes of Personal Taste straight once i got home. lols. haha, this lee min ho drama has got me hooked! It's super funny. And strangely coincidental with certain real life events of my own, which is weird. lols... should watch it with orson sometime =) and lee min ho looks alot better in this one than that "boys over flowers" thingy. lols. i think that drama was a little too over exaggerated. Over exaggeration only looks good on specific people. ;)

I'm skipping school tmr, some stupid p.e. traditional games thing the school organised for us. which is the last thing i would want to go to school for. =X I'll prolly stay home do some cooking, housework, and some project work stuff also. haha... work from home. It's a nice concept. Having cca session on friday. argh. I wish the holidays would start now.

although it's the reason you're skipping school tmr, i really hope that you don't come home tired and aching today.

I've got the full song of "Back to December", by Taylor swift. It's heart wrenching. But I can't stop listening to it.

I promise i'll never let you go. In fact i just wanna run into your arms right now.

post promo.... WHOO~!!

HAHAHA! it's OVER =)

haha, pardon me. this girl has gone abit wild. coz promos are OVER xP

I feel so free now. Listening to the David Archuleta CD my aunt bought me the other day. I feel like dancing abit. haha! I went to watch this Andy Lau movie with Orson today. haha, and we were like the only youngsters in the theatre. LOL. seems like all Andy Lau die-hard fans are oldies. haha, we watched the movie because we didn't know what else to watch, by the way. in case you're thinking that either of us is some secret Andy Lau admirer. lols. It's been so damn long since i've went out with him =) Sometimes I wish the education system would provide us more freedom. to enjoy the life bestowed upon us, while it lasts.

Yesterday night, i almost cried when I saw taylor swift's preview of "Back to December". I've a feeling that it's gonna be one of my favourite tracks on her album. Its an apology, to "this guy, who has been perfect in a relationship, but i've just been too careless with him" to quote Taylor. Listening to that song makes me realise how lucky I am to have someone like Orson always by me. He's perfect too. haha, to me he's more than perfect. But what Taylor said made me think back and realise that there are times that I do take him for granted. Like, I know he'll be there, so I don't make effort to thank him for that. Or let him know just how much he means to me. Letting these stuff accumulate is dangerous. So i'll keep that song in mind. So i can be careless with everything else but him. If we fall apart, I will just disintegrate. I'll take in and treasure every single second with you, and I promise to be there for you when you need me too.



Now, today, was much happier. lols
I saw shinee's new video, Hello. haha, it's a cute one. and B2st's new song, Breath. the dance is totally cool...! Sometimes I wish i could sing or dance, but i can do neither. lols. epic fail.

i like the way he smiles
the way he looks at me, and sees me inside out.
the way he ignores the flaws, and sees them as perfection.
the way he talks about our future.
the way he holds me together when i'm breaking apart.
the way he tells me i'm the one and only.

i've never been happier to be the only one.

I've finally wrote a song, from since how long. Haha, this one's personal =) and now my fingers are sore, but i'm getting my guitar fingertips back!

two more papers left. chinese and econs essay paper. somehow i feel like i'm getting complacent. =x must strive on. I rested for today. tmr onwards is full power charge again. i will make it through promos!!

I can't wait till Taylor Swift's new album "Speak Now" comes out on Oct. 25 =) It's super cool, just the first two songs released, Speak Now and Mine, have got me hooked. I need to shop too, i need new dresses. lols. and shoes. and a handbag. retail therapy deprived.


okay. gotta go crash now. i'm dying to sleep.

每次我總 一個人走交叉路口 自己生活這次你卻說帶我走 某個角落 就你和我

每次我總獨自遠走保持沉默 不皺眉頭這次你卻說一起走

Finally, the most feared Geography Paper is OVER. I'm so so so SO relieved. I think i'm going to pass. So i should be fine. =X

I'm really tired now. i feel like collapsing. haha, but i decided i should blog a little. These few days have been crazy. I've laughed, and cryed, punched my fists against the wall, and dug my nails into my skin. I've tried to pretend to be nonchalent, and then I really was. But i couldn't hold it in in the end. But it's all come to this. The journey's halfway done, I'm seeing the light. Just hold on a little more. And it'll all be over. Hopefully, all this would not have come to naught.

And to one person. thank you for holding my hand through it all.

Sometimes i wish i could take a long break. and just runaway. not alone of course. never alone.