well, okay, i didn't do as bad for my exams as i thought i did. turns out my percentiles for every subject were quite, okay. unexpected, huh. But i want to work harder, get better grades. something like that, i guess. At least that's what i think i want to do. I'm too tired to think now. But I'm not going to just self improve, but make sure that as i do so, the people around me move up with me. I'll do anything, give anything for that. Especially for one person. You know who you are.

My Aunt's coming back at like 1am tmr. I have to pack her room. haha... it's full of notes and textbooks, coz i've been using it for these 2 months since she'd left. I want her laptop...! like yeah. haha... i have to get my dad to get me a netbook or something. a cheap one. we'll see.

I studied with Joleen in the morning today, and then went to see Orson in the afternoon. Time seems to fly when I'm with him. I just want to hold on tight to every single day and moment that we spend together. I don't know how I'm going to live through that 3 years in University without him. The thought of it scares me. But i'm just going to have to live through it. Right?

그게 축복하는 뜻을 보여주셔서 감사합니다. 난 당신이 가고, 심지어 내 인생의 마지막까지 알려 절대 약속드립니다. 나는이 모든 것을 통해 당신과 함께 걷는, 그것은 비가오나 눈이오나 경우 쓰지 않는 싶어요. 당신은 내 사랑, 그리고 당신을 사랑합니다 감사합니다.

Yesterday he wasn't feeling well. I couldn't breathe properly for a whole one hour plus, till i was sure he was okay. Althought we webcamed when he was feeling better, when i saw him in the first lesson this morning, i was practically fighting back the urge to hug him and say thank God you're alright. I didn't, of course. The math teacher walked into class right after me and Joleen anyway. When I called him to see if he was okay last evening, he didn't pick up. My heart seriously stopped... god, no, please no. After stunning for like a few seconds, I picked up my phone to call again, to realise that he was calling me. As soon as i heard his voice I breathed out heavily. It was then that i realised i had been holding my breath the whole time. I just plopped on the study room chair right behind me... I don't know if it was because my legs gave way, or that I was simply relieved.

Today during assembly the principal talked to us about our Mid year results. Congrats to Qun Jie, Chong Wei, Sze Swee and Jian Sheng, who made it to the honours roll. I felt quite proud that 4 out of 20 of those in the honour's roll came from 4H'09. I told myself to work towards being on that list too. Argh, forget about that sniper plan. I'm not going to work hard, just to overtake one person. I'm going to work hard for myself. For the people who put their faith in me, who believe me. For the people who love me. I want to make them proud.

I guess I'd better eat now. The room is starting to spin. I need my carbohydrates.

YAY! I found my EoM article, like FINALLY. Thank PM Lee Hsien Loong for it! Lols, I used a portion of his 2008 national day rally as my source. Writing the EoM will be saved for later, when i've recharged my empty stomach and now defunct brain.

I wanted to blog yesterday, but I had a math test today, so I ended up doing math, while chatting with Orson on Msn, while watching CSI. and I was actually productive. haha, vectors are fun =)

ok, i have 4 minutes to blog, before I go sleep to fix my dead brain.

***Yesterday***

I woke up late, thanks to the futile night of EoM article searching. My parents, as usual, were mad at the world for making things hard for me. I was kinda mad of them being mad at the world, being me, I always want to deal with everything myself. Hah. Then again, I was mad at me for being such a bloke, wasting my whole night, when i could have figured that doing something else was more productive. The morning ride to school was sorta horrid, me being mad at the world, as of always. I met my classmate Kenny at the Mrt station outside school. He was sorta shocked that a "good student" like me was late for morning lessons. I said it'd make him look less bad in front of our teacher later on. Lols. Turns out he was late because he was buying breakfast for Darence. -.- Darence should count his fortunes. Haha, such a friend is hard to come buy.

So, i walked into class, apologised to my teacher for being 14 minutes late for class (luckily it hadn't begin yet) and sat down, as per usual, between Carol and Orson. My personal "calming pill" did his job, like always. Ha. I remember just looking at him, and then suddenly I wasn't mad at the world anymore. I was the one who should be counting my fortunes. "I'm a lucky girl, blessed with more love than I deserve." I told myself. And from that moment on, the day just simply got better.

I walked with him to the MRT station to go back home. He watched me get on the train. The train doors closed, I waved. He waved back, and smiled. His smile is contagious, influential, somehow. Maybe just for me. But I like it when he smiles. In that spilt second it feels as if nothing else in the world really mattered.
************

Just hold on to me tight, don't ever let me go. That's all I'll ever need.

sorry, i haven't blogged for a really long time.

Woah. alot of things have happened since the last time I blogged. My emotions ran from all time lows to epic highs. I don't know what's up with the mood swings. It's got nothing to do with PMS, and it would absolutely be impossible that I'm having menopause. HAHA. Ah well, all that matters now is just knowing how blessed I am. Here's a preview in to my life a week ago or so.

16/7/2010****
I really don't know what to do now. When my life seems to be getting back on track, everyone around me seems to be crumbling. Chenghui, Carol, Joleen, and my dear Orson. I can't bear to see any of them fall. Especially Orson. THe only one who was really there for me when i was hanging by a thread, the guy who worried for me, the guy who thought for me, the first guy to show me what it's like to love and be loved even more. I'm willing to give, just to make him feel beeter. I feel bad, somehow, that i'm overtaking him in academics. really have no intention of making him feel like he's not doing enough, especially whin i could never have achieved this much without him. Hes like this light that led me out of a black hole, but now it's his turn to fall in. I just don't know how I can help. It's not like he's upset at me for doing well or anything, just that he's actually very happy for me. Which.... makes me feel worse towards him. I don't know what to do. Somehow I feel like a useless bystander. All i can do is to listen to their problems, but i can only TRY to help. I hate it when i see all of them falling like that. Someone help me. Help me to help them. Help Orson. I'm willing to give. Show me what i should do.
**** ****

17/07/2010***
Great. I can't help but feel such a jerk, a useless one. I'm disorganised, always trying to run away, and i never really managed to be strong. I wish i could make things right... but i just can't. And i don't know since when i've been such a cry baby. Whenever I think of me leaving Orson, I just can't help but tear up. That's why I can't retain. I can't fail my promos, or i'll be shipped off to Canada. Hah. So much for my dream and all that 4 years of wishing I was somewhere else rather than in Singapore.
*****

TODAY***
Okay, so you read my story. I kinda wrote little notes in my phone, so i'd blog them when i had the time. Well, I'm feeling much better and happier now. Went out with Orson for a short while today again. Seriously he's like some kind of calming pill. Lols. He looks really tired from dragonboat training today. I think he's getting sick. I can tell he's quite troubled by his studies, but he's not telling me, because he doesn't want me to worry. Silly boy. Why won't you let me be there for you to lean on, just like you always are for me?

Anyways, warning. I'm turning into assassin mode from tomorrow onwards. My goal is to eliminate a certain target in class. I'm not kidding. It seems like the only way to propel my studies forward, and i'm taking the chance. I cannot afford to retain at any cost. Look at my mid year results and I'm at high risk of retaining. Not going to let that happen. Sometimes I find myself scary. But too deep a psychological understanding of oneself can be complicated. Oh well. I'm not going to harm anyone. I'm just going to make a silent kill, the person is not going to realise who took him/her down, and that he/she was even silenced in the first place. Plus the perfect camouflage in a class determined to hound down those grades. Hah. Let the hunt begin.

Wow! I just finished my EoM. =)) YAY! haha, i'm just taking a breather before i go on to mug math, or bio. The weather is crazily hot today. =( So, i'm feeling sorta like a bum, with low productivity. LOL. Orson and I are waging silent war on the top students in class, who have overtaken us in the Mid Year Exams. We will regain our places! lols. hahaha. just something to make mugging a little more exciting. =P

I'm super craving for a Mocha Frappucino from Starbucks. Argh, should I go Starbucks to study? But if I do, there goes my money saving plan. =X haha... i've been spending more and more lately, without remorse. This... is not good. But one good thing though, I'm spending my own money now, so if it depletes, i feel the pinch. So i got my limit set there. I kinda worked things out a little, just take things a step at a time, starting with my studies. I'm not gonna let the stress get to me anymore, have to stay strong and firm, and go on. I can't retain. I HAVE to promote to year 2. No matter what it takes.

Haha, i had this SUPER weird dream last night. It involved Orson, again. Lols. Now he's like a regular in my dreamworld. Hahaha... Aww.. I suddenly miss the times when Su Xue, Cal and I would spend all our free time in school talking about our dreams. I wonder if Su Xue has had any of her strange funny dreams lately. =( Su xue, Calista... i miss you!!!!Anyways, back to my dream last night. I dreamt that Orson was getting married to Hannah. =X Haha, a girl in class that likes him a litte. LOL. So there I was, all oblivious and acting detective, trying to find out how the hell things turned out that way. Then I woke up, to a second dream. HAHA. (yeah, i know it's confusing. I was dreaming about myself dreaming. Get it?) LOL. So, when i woke up (in my dream) he was right next to me, the setting was in my hotel room in Shanghai. But this time, WE were getting married. I found myself looking at the dress, and all the usual hoo-hah from friends. Then I heard Bonamana by SuperJunior. Oh, it was my alarm clock. This time, I really woke up. Hahaha. So weird man. It's always me who gets all these weird dreams that never make any sense at all. Ok, some of them do, but most are just, abnormal. hahahaha.

Okays, I'm gonna either study Maths, or Bio. Hmm... which one should I do first??

I'm having a temporary break for the tortures of PW, since it'd be 2 weeks later for the next submissions of WR version 2.

I just woke up from 15 hours of sleep. Didn't sleep for one whole night of Thursday, finished the WR on Friday morning, right on the dot on the time that i usually wake up. I managed to pull through the day, miraculously, and once i got home, I ate, bathed and crashed from like 6pm till 9am this morning. It's my longest record of sleep ever. PW is the most hated thing of all in JC. Because of PW, i didn't get to spend much time with Orson this week either. We were thinking of going out today, but we're both too exhausted. Haha. Yesterday i fell asleep on him for like a couple of minutes in school.

Haix. It is hard trying to juggle your schoolwork, CCA, PW, friends and having a relationship at the same time. I mean like, it's hard to distribute your time efficiently such that you're not neglecting anyone. But seriously, I don't even know where to focus now. My grades are disasterous... like i failed math by 3marks, and i am really pissed off with myself. i think i'm failing geography too.Oh, and i failed my GP comprehension by 2 marks. I HOPE my essay will score a much better grade, so I won't fail overall. My CCA is about to start soon, this week, in fact... Being President means that I've to set up meetings, cca sessions, and all the usual blahs. PW... argh, don't even talk about it. after WR version 1, i have EOM due on tues, lots of other loose ends that have to be tied up before WR version 2, two weeks later. Friends... I haven't been spending much time with Carol lately. I mean like she still has Jade and the others, but I feel like the two of us are drifting apart. She means alot to me as a friend, but really, i just don't know what to do right now. I'm very much closer to Kahay now, prolly because she's in my PW group and WSC, so we get to spend time doing work together. Joleen is my new best friend too, she just ran into friend problems, so she sorta switched cliques. I go to school with her everyday...But, all in all, my friendship life needs ALOT of patching up. Besides, I haven't seen chenghui, Su Xue or Calista lately. I really miss them alot too. Last, but definitely not least, Orson Orson Orson. Haha. Yeah, I mean like previously we were more or less stuck to each other, even at school, but given the heavy schoolwork which is getting heavier, much more pressure coming under for our grades, and the universally hated Project Work, wow. I'm really afraid I'll run out of time for him and our relationship. He's afraid of this too, but really, it's hard to manage everything all at once. For goodness sake, we even find a hard time finding a time to go out for a meal or something. yeah, i mean i could always study with him, but it would be erroneous if all the time we spent together was just filled with studying. Right?

In a tiny nutshell, my life is in a mess right now. OH, and family. Great. I've been spending lesser and lesser time with my family. I may be at home, but i'm either busy doing work or revision. I can't study at home nowadays, coz i can't seem to concentrate, so i usually go mug at starbucks. during dinner or what with my family, my mind is always somewhere else, worrying about PW or what nots.

ok, going to rest abit more now. =(

I hate PW man. I can't believe i'm working my ass of for some subject which i don't even need to care about, since i'm going overseas. grah grah grah grah grah.

haha, i feel so lazy now. i just slept for like the entire day, when i was supposed to clear my landfill aka desk. aiya, then tomorrow going out almost the whole day... so tonight i shall have to work on the landfill, or i shall blame myself for the whole week. Listening to Bonamana by Superjunior for the dunno how manyth time. I'm just addicted to the song... Hahaha. It somehow seems to wake me up. =) Orson hasn't been online for the whole day, I think he went for GP tuition, then going out for dinner with his family. I feel so bored. haha, well, not really lah, since i slept for the entire day =X

Still reeling from lethargy now, despite Bonamana and that rude shock-reminder on the school's online portal that we have PW week this week. =( YAWN. Ok, this post is so lame. There's absolutely nothing to talk about, because i'm blogging just to procastinate from doing anything else. I should start getting to work.... right?

~somehow the conversation had shifted from the Chinese 课文 on 别离的故事 to us fast-forwarded 1.5 years. I'd wouldn't be in Singapore for 3 years, and he would be off with his national service. hah. i don't know how we ended talking about death. i told him that if he left me, i probably would survive, but i wouldn't be living, like an empty shell. he told me that he'd feel the same way too, and he swore he wouldn't get another girl, because i was simply irreplacable. then he looked me in the eyes and said "i want you to promise me, if anything ever happens to me, you're gonna move on with life, and if you find another guy better than me, move on, okay?" for a second there i was dumbfounded, and my head just started shaking sideways, saying no. he stared into me, "i want you to promise me that". i managed to choke out "no, i can't, i won't." it was at that moment when i realised just how much he meant to me. i couldn't imagine him leaving, just walking out of my life. and that very morning i was doubting if i truly loved him enough to make this relationship work. at that moment my doubts all came to nothing. i need him with me, somehow, anyhow. we stared into each other in momentary silence. i saw his eyes becoming wet. then, i felt something trickle down my nose bridge. hah. i just cried. it was a total bella and edward moment. i think i would become like Bella in New Moon, if he left me. an empty shell. and nothing more. eventually i cracked a smile, and everything started to fall back into normal. but i knew now that i couldn't let him go. i can't.