aww... so sweet! lols. i found it on the web.

Lyrics from Taylor Swift's "Sparks Fly". one of my favourites. wonder what it's like to dance freely in the rain =)

some random pics i found while blog-hopping.

I don't think anyone should, or would be reading my blog by now? i mean like... i haven't blogged since... argh, god knows when.

today we had math test, and college day. the math test was sucky. although this morning, while i was eating breakfast, my MP happened to be on a walkabout, and shook my hand and my parents' hands, and he wished my good luck for my test. apparently, math doesn't work well with luck i guess. my test was so screwed... but there's nothing i can do about it now, can i? but i thank my MP for his luck =) haha, he didn't look seasoned up to his role yet, but i hope he turns out to be an outstanding PAP leader. (yes, i'm a PAP supporter.~.~)

after the math test, went to eat Subway with carol and the girls. i still have 2 subway cookies sitting in the fridge. i always order the meal, but after finishing the sub, my stomach has no more vacancy for the cookies. hahaha. anyways, after that went back to school for college day. COLLEGE DAY. i admit, i am pretty sore that i didn't get awarded anything for college day, but i'm over it now. after college day today, i went home, and just slacked in front of the tv like a skinny couch potato. and suddenly, it didn't really matter anymore.

maybe the reason why i'm always soo stressed is because i'm always expecting myself to do this, do that, accomplish this, get that position. sometimes i wish i was that kinda girl, easily contented, happy go lucky. maybe my life would be alot happier and easier with that. at the moment, i'm just slacking. recalling some past stuff, and of course, the present. i've been through a lot, i must say. haha, but i'm still that wilful, childish, imaginative and foolish girl, just as always, right from the beginning. and i always want to be.

tmr i shall start work. i need to find my old self, and infuse it into my new life.

CCA elections friday. can't wait +)

take me away, take me somewhere new, i don't know who you are, but i, i'm with you.

there are really many things going through my mind right now, and somehow i can't help but feel so insecure. things have happened to my cca, but nobody bothers or gives a damn about our side of the story, and some people have been coming up with an awful lot of darn right lame excuses just to keep us down. I can't believe this. The very reason why i used to love my school so much: because every students voice can be allowed to be heard, this very reason is slowly being eroded away to a mere memory. I don't feel like i can trust some of the teachers in the higher authority posts anymore. they scare me. Not in the sense that i'm afraid of them, but rather, their attitude towards students are far vast from what is right of a teacher, it scares me to think that such characters are prevalent in our education system, and so-called nuturing the generation of tomorrow.

It has been a long wait. From the mid of march till now, the tail end of April, we've been waiting and searching for answers. We've been rejected, had doors slammed in our faces, and on hopes that we will be given our rights as students, as people. We never had that. Again and again, i felt trampled on, insulted, in one way or another. Not only taking up responsibilities that didn't belong on our shoulders, but also facing criticisms, on our character and way of work; some comments i feel are anything but not even close to a fair judgement. our cca was closed with no proper reason, and so far nobody has bothered to ask of our opinion. i feel ridiculed, toyed and humiliated. I don't believe that any teacher has the right to make his students feel this way.

Right now, i'm just angry, exhausted, fustrated and disappointed. We tried to speak out, but no one listened. We tried to question, but no one answered. We tried to be reasonable, but were treated without reason. We stuck to our values, but are accused for lacking them. I mean like I really feel like going up to the principal and tell him "it's not right. something's not right with your teachers. this is what they have told us. this is what they have done to us. this is what they have done to our juniors. this is how badly we're affected that we can't trust the very people who are supposed to teach us. aren't you going to do something about that?"

I can sense my defenses coming up again. I've never been this wary of my surroundings and people since the episode in sec 2. Now, i'm at it again. It's the game of survival. Be alert, watch out for ambushes, be wary, and don't trust anybody who you don't know well enough to know he/she is safe. Because anybody, anyone, can turn their backs against you in cold-blooded murder. I'm not letting myself get hurt this time. I'm not letting my friends get hurt too. I doubt myself, if i have enough strength to last this game. but i'm not letting my guard down. and i will do anything in my power to safeguard my own interests and that of my team. As I said, it's the game of survival. It didn't have to be this way, but you made it as such. It's either you or me, and someone's gotta go down.

I NEED TO BLOG MORE. period. OH mann... there has been SO SO SO many things that are just stuck in my chest for the past few weeks or so... and the truth is, that, I really can't take it anymore. There were times when I'm just in the library, and wondering if I should pop in to see the school counsellor. I'm hyperventilating a lot, I can't focus, and I'm just an emotional wreck. I pity my boyfriend who has to take the brunt of it. =( sorry dear!! =(( So here's the breakdown on everything happening recently. 1. Some bitch teacher wants to close down my CCA 2. Same bitch teacher trys to play politics with me 3. Same bitch teacher spreads false and totally defamatory information about me and my CCA mates, in the staffroom, causing many teachers to think badly of us 4. My friend breaks down amid all the stress 5. I break down after bottling all the stress 6. My senior comes into the picture and tells us to fight, don't give up 7. Some Saint teacher, who was once a lawyer, drops us points for us to build up a case 8. I'm going to take a risk. Okay, well, the order of things, are, slightly jumbled up, only in the middle. the front and back are like, the same. Teachers are supposed to TEACH and impart MORAL values. Not play games with students and treat us like disposable puppets. I refuse to be controlled. I refuse to play your game. and now I want you to play MINE. Goodness. I sound so evil. Hah... but anyway, I can't reveal anything yet, due to safety reasons. Shall spill the beans, when erm, the beans are spilt. omg, i feel so much better now. I've really never felt as indignant in my life before. I don't even know if the next step I'm going to take is the right one, but I'm taking it. Please, don't let anything go wrong. Or else, the rest of my school life is soo doomed. and I might have to bring forward plans to go overseas to study. Haix. Worried. Stressed. Scared. Determined. Worried. I wish i was a vampire sometimes! Now i just wish that this will all be over soon. please...

I've never felt more indignant, accused, angry and worried at the same time in my entire life. I don't believe that such a person with such a twisted, black heart actually exists. I hate him. i hate him.

Everyone who has heard the full story knows that we are not are fault. Why should our club close down, because of mistakes that he had made, and is trying to push on us. I really hate this. If i could turn back time, i wouldn't have made the blunder of taking his words seriously, which led to today's consequences. Again, another reason why you shouldn't trust people easily. Even teachers. What kind of role model is he potraying to us? He's acting like an overgrown spoilt kid, who just wants to close down our club, because he got a deserved scolding from the principal about something he obviously did wrong. Why do we have to take the brunt of his mistake, and his anger?

I swear that this is the very last time that we will bow our heads to him. If he doesn't accept the "apology" in the case where he clearly knows we shouldn't be apologising, we will leave his shadow and seek higher ground. We will rebuild ourselves and shine brighter than ever, and make him regret that he ever drove us away in the first place. We will bring glory and glamour to our cause and our school in our very own right, and do it much better than before, without his hinderance. We will excel in our studies as well. We will show him that he, has done nothing to damage us, but made us stronger, more united and more determined to prove ourselves. Even if we had made the mistake, we deserve a second chance, after ALL that we have done for the school. Doesn't he even recognise that? He couldn't be in his seat because of us. He forgets that the problem solving of A.a.W project was done by our exco. The other ccas weren't even as efficient as us. Has he forgot? How none of the other cca people were able to speak and engage the crowd. How he praised us before, and now that he's mad, put down everything we've down in one shot, though we didnt even have a black dot on our track record before. If even murderers and criminals deserve second chances, why shouldn't we? all the mistake that we did was to hand in a proposal late, and not enforce lights out for a camp, because students were up studying. Other camps during the same period had the police invited in for noise created. What was our incident in comparison to theirs?

He has driven our faces to the ground. I'll bite the dust and spit it in his face.

heyos to the world. i'm still here, not dead yet.

Just went past a well, not-so-horrifying-as-i-thought block test, only to be met with greater trouble, bigger pile off bullshit to clear off.

It seems in troubled times, you find out who really are the people who stand by you, and who are the bull-crappers who just give empty talk, and do otherwise.

i'll blog more tomorrow. fustration needs sleep.

i wish people could realise that i'm trying my best. I'm putting in effort to try to meet their expectations, and not be a burden at the same time. But i'm worn. Both physically and emotionally. I'm trying so so so hard to be everything everyone expects me to be. Everything but me.

Why do I do that? I don't know.

Sometimes the most elaborate feelings can be just put in a few words. Sometimes a few words can cut you down, to a bare nothing.

i went out to Art Friend today, to get some art material, then after that to city hall to check out something, but i didn't find the thing that i wanted. then afterthat i made my way to somerset to study abit. Met my aunt and my aunt's cousin (my cousin-aunt?) there, we had some fun doodling on café tissue paper, and had dinner at this German restaurant near Marché. They may be much older than me, but they feel like my age when we do this kinda stuff. I wish i had friends like them, but really i don't. haha, not that my friends are bad, but they are deep-thinkers. Sometimes i wish i had more simple-minded people surrounding me. Perhaps then i wouldn't see life as something so bleak at times.



I missed my boyfriend today. haha, i'm so used to having him around all the time, that when i go out without him, something seems missing. It wasn't so bad when aunt and cousin-aunt came around, but the few hours before that. I've been going through rough times lately, and I try really hard not to show it to anyone else, but him. And he's there for me, so i'm glad that's the case. I'm glad I don't have to cry alone anymore. and he makes me feel secure, and that's the best thing.



i'd better get to sleep now. it's late. and tmr i've to work harder. i won't feel guilty for relaxing today though. i needed it.

i'm really tired. of everything. i just want everything to stop. i can't take it anymore. stop pushing me, stop demanding me, stop expecting of me. i feel like i'm suffocating, drowning, falling. Losing grip. But i want to let go. I don't see any motivation to hold on any longer, because i'm too tired. I really am too exhausted of pressing on and on and on. i don't see the point to this.

don't let me get me. i wanna be somebody else.

sick leave.

blehs, i'm sick and at home! somehow i feel really really happy about this.

So, i wake up, with a double tummy ache, both cramps and gastric. Ate gastric pills first, then collapse on my bed, where i waited for what felt like eons before breakfast finally arrived. Ate a few spoonfuls of rice, then chewed and swallowed a pill of Brexin (some painkiller thing that's supposedly much stronger than Panadol, coz the latter doesn't work on me) and then tried to sleep. it's hard to fall asleep when you feel like yr abdomen is being torn apart and stabbed simultaneously, but i managed.

I wanted to wake up to crawl to school for my Econs test, which is so happening in 30 minutes time from the next sentence i type, but neeehhh. My body protested. My boyfriend protested. My stubborn mind listened. sooo now, i'm slacking at home, which kinda rocks actually, cos i haven't felt this relaxed in a long time, despite that i still feel like i'm floating. (imma ghost!)

I didn't go to the doctor's, coz i KNOW what she will say to me. 'You're Stressed!' I always get that. haha. I am stressed. There's no point denying such stuff anyways. So I stayed home, did a facial, listening to music and just chilled. Maybe I'm going to study Econs later. Maybe. But really, I can't be bothered about school right now. I shouldn't bother. I need rest. Right?

Kinda hoping that Orson will drop by my place to see me after school ends, but that's too evil of me... hehs. I mean, he'll reach home late, he'll finish work late, sleep late, and the cycle goes on. So I'd better be the good girlfriend and fight the urge to see him till tmr. I'm pretty much dreading tmr though. There's like CCA. Math Lecture. ugh. The thought of Math makes me feel sleepyyyy......zzzzzzzz

Sunday, my uncle came over and he was like asking me which Uni in Australia I wanna go. Imma like, I dunno. Which I really don't. It's so pressurising, these people, like they're making my decisions for me. And he wants me to enroll in the February class so I can end Uni earlier. In my mind, I was going wtf. Really, I NEED a break after A levels and all, and i have NEVER got a chance really, to thoroughly enjoy myself during my youth, and you want me to go mug early, so I can work early? Seriously. I wish I had the courage to say No there and then. I'm sick and tired of these nosey people poking their business into my life. I want to live it my own way. Why can't they even give me that. And my parents, they NEVER speak up for me about what I want in front of others. they should. Sometimes i feel they are too protective in some ways and too unprotective in others. They know what i want. It's not like I never told them, and they agreed. So why let other people dig on me. Why?

I'm tired, and frustrated. That's why I need a break.

Hiiii. I always blog when i feel messed up. So yeah, i feel pretty messed right now.

i'm feeling like there's just too many things, too little time, too high expectations, too low chances of meeting them. I don't know whether i should feel overwhelmed and break down, or get empowered by the stress, and strive on. Right now i just feel so tired. Exhausted. Sick, of this routine, sick of the work, sick of waking up and dragging my feet off the bed to enter this mad rush, where i'm supposedly being groomed to become a worthy and respected individual.

and there and then, when i'm complaining and grudging about this endless, relentless cycle of work and lack of sleep that bears down mercilessly on my strained brain, I want to be kept here. I'm afraid to go elsewhere, where the system is freedom, and the lack of restriction, given purposes, and drilled knowledge, i believe would leave me lost. Yes, i'm afraid to step out of the country and throw myself into a society with less strings attached. Like a puppet without strings, I may just flop, and fall to the ground, with a soft plop. So soft, that people won't even realise that i've fallen.

I've given myself high hopes. I told myself to grow up, be mature, think big, outside the box, live big, dream big, and achieve those big things. But my height still remains a constant, I don't feel any more adult than my age, and I don't know where's the box i'm in, so i can't step out. I try to dream big, and live big, but then again, those dreams, are filled with too much of imagination and too little of reality, with too many question marks and doubts, that I lose sense of what i'm supposed to achieve.

At this junction, I suppose, I'm lost. I guess. I feel lost. I feel tired. I just want to sleep and wake up with a direction. But I know that no one can help me find my direction, no one but myself. and i will find it, i believe... and i'll start by hitting the pillows to sleep.

I just made up my mind that i would go for the Taylor Swift concert. Heck the math test on the next day. I logged on Sistic, to find the tickets sold out. I felt my heart wrench. Too late.

It's the 2nd day of the Chinese New Year. At least, there's still 2 mins left before the 3rd day comes. hah. Time flies. It really does. I've been thinking a lot lately, well okay... I usually think a lot already, but I've been thinking more than often these few days. About a lot of things. About how, I'm not exactly living my life like I should. It's more of, I'm not savouring everyday, and every minute that I've got, I'm not living my life to the fullest. You may think it's a foolish dream to think that anyone can live life to his/her fullest, with no regrets, but, that's my dream. I'd always put that as my new year's resolution, because I feel that I have been given so much, but yet, I let alot of it slip away with time as well.

I'll do my best to cherish what i have now. i really will. especially who i have now.

Hmph. I swear I'll go to a Taylor Swift concert when I next hear of one here. Till then, i'll make sure i'm never "too late" again.

so many things, too little time. sometimes i wish time would stop. I always wish this, but i'm not doing anything much more.

I wish i could learn Korean faster. Really. lols. i wish i was some language genius, learn a language in 3 months. haix. then i can express myself in a language that others wouldn't understand. Maybe i should learn icelandic.

i'm just feeling really fustrated right now. about everything. lessons, tests, it's eating into my life again. i just want to go out with my family once a week. is that too much to ask?

bah, i wish my leg would heal faster.

another wasted darn post.

you, me, and guilty.

haix... i don't know how long ago was the time since i've last blogged, but yea, i'm back. Wonder if it's a good thing that i'm starting to pour out my feelings into the internet again, or if it's a bad thing, spelling that i'm becoming more emo. i don't know!!

okay. i'm not all that good recently. Sprained my ankle for starters. what a joke. i fell while trying to get out of lecture. and usually it's the lecture that kills people. not the rush out for break. anyways, i did fall, pulled 2 ligaments and tadah. Now i'm practically dependent on alot of people for a lot of things. and i'm feeling downright a burden.

There're a few things that i hate to be in life. Hate to be ostracized, hate to be called names, ESPECIALLY hate to be accused, hate to be a burden to people, etc etc. I'm already a really dependent freak, and this spoilt ankle of mine just made me more so. Orson, Mom, dad, grandma, spending so much time and money on me. Ugh. I don't like it... I don't like that they have to go through extra trouble coz of me, and i don't like that i have not much of a choice but to have them go through that trouble. It bugs and tugs and tears my insides out just to think of it.

I feel guilty. Like a criminal, like a spoilt old brat with a sense of conscience. I'm trying to make it up to people, but somehow i don't know how. Like i'm someone born to accept, not born to give. and it is in this extra guilt that will bear down on every limp of my foot, that i will walk with for these few more days.

Sentence? Guilty or not guilty, it's up to the Jury to decide. Whoever they are.