Kahay, Orson (my boyfriend!) and ME. =) at the shanghai world scholar's cup global round.

Me and my dear. At Yu yuan garden in Shanghai.

Finally, the Mid-year exams are almost over. Still have Chinese paper on friday, but haha, what the heck. At least the content intensive stuff are way OVER. I'm finally less stressed and more relaxed now. JC life is really scary. I don't know how many times i've broke down along the way already. Argh, but luckily there's my dad, there's Orson these two guys in my life, helping this damsel in super distress. =)

But i really am lucky to have Orson in my life. The feeling of being loved is, nice... it's heart warming, to know that there's someone's shoulder which you can lean on, whenever, whereever. Someone's hand you can hold on to when you're feeling unsure. It was like 3 days before mid years, and the stress was really getting to me. I was trying very hard to suppress it, tell myself that i can make it, i can do this, but i just let all the pressure get to me. so i just crumbled, and cried. It was really funny though, like my dad was comforting me and all, and the webcam was on, and just nice, the person on the other side could see me breaking down at the side of the camera. And that person on the other side was Orson. In the end he got all so worried he called me immediately, and we just talked... a lot. He rushed over to Yishun after his WCG competition the next day, and he stayed with me while i read Econs. That day, i woke up feeling all useless and teary. I felt like screaming, like crying, like running away from everything, or just self-destructing on the spot. After I saw him, it was like, all better again. Like things weren't so bad.

My parents must have thought I'm crazy. I went out of the house in an all time low, and returned home a few hours later feeling happy and high. LOL. was even singing Bonamana on the way into the living room.

I'm glad I have him. I'm lucky to have him. I always get this feeling that he loves me more than i love him. Hmmm.... i haven't told my parents about us yet. Was intending to wait until after mid-years. I have absolutely NO idea how they will react. like, yea... but i wish to tell them sooner, rather than later, or wait and drag. Don't think i can stand keeping just a big thing from my parents for long. I REALLY hope they approve. Because whether or not they do, i'll be stuck with Orson. I'm hanging on to JC life mostly because of him. Asking me to give him up would be akin to telling me to give up on everything i've lived for for the past half a year.

Ok, i gotta sleep now. have been sleep deprived from since dunno when. check back sometime after the CHINESE PAPER.

i'm back from shanghai. came back with much more than i brought there.

I really miss my Scholar's cup team now, haha. though i'll get to see them in school everyday, but, i'll miss the crazy times when we would chain arms and sing aloud in the streets of Shanghai, our parties in each other's hotel rooms, our weird food experiments like eating pizza crust with ice-cream, and watermelon with soy sauce, which btw, is delish. It's the best vaccation i've ever had. And i'm determined not to forget any second of it all.

Well, second thing. It's official. I got myself a boyfriend. Dang, it feels damn weird to type that sentence. I have a BOYFRIEND. yeash. yes, it's him. it's him. He is in my scholars cup team too, and he popped the question while my roommate Sharin was in the shower. haha... it feels, nice, to have someone's shoulder to plop your head on, and someone's hand to hold onto when you walk around. The first kiss was, crazy. haha. I still can't believe all these happened. Everytime i hold his hand again, i feel like i'm falling deeper and deeper, like i just let my heart run free, for the very first time. strangely, because of this, i got back my motivation to study again. The world suddenly doesn't seem so depressing or so bad anymore. Going to break the news to my parents after the exams. I'm so not sure about how'd they react. They told me once, about 2 years back, that they'd want me to date at the age of 21. Which is totally insane. Well, they do have a quite good impression of him so far, so we'll see how it goes. i'll upload some pictures soon. My awesome boyfriend, Orson. HAHA. God, i feel like a lucky girl. finally, after a long time, i feel like a lucky girl.

back to studying now i guess. =) cheers people, cheers.

I don't think i'll have time to blog from this day onwards. Maybe i can access blogger in Shanghai, maybe not. haha. =)

Tmr flying off to Shanghai for World Scholar's cup... i'm quite excited, kahay's going too =) i'm betting we'll have like loads of fun... haix. very worried about my mid years though, like i still haven't studied finish a lot of things. i think i'm gonna flunk several subjects.

Ok, i can't say much, i need to go pack my luggage. need to be at the airport by 6am tmr morning. =(
i'll try to blog at night, if i can find the time. =)

crossroads

oh God. I really should be studying now, but i just have too much admin work to do. argh. i guess i'll wake up earlier tomorrow to mug. For the first time in my life, i actually think that i'm going to flunk my mid-year exams.

Today was great though. It was today where I threw all my troubles and fustrations out of the window, and just enjoyed myself. It's the first time throughout the holidays that i've actually had a holiday. My life sounds pathetic, but today was great. We met in the morning, I was like 15 minutes late =X coz the bus was late. Had breakfast at Toast Box, where i embarrassed myself for making a mess out of cracking the egg. Haha, i know how to crack an egg ok, i'm not that dumb, but i dropped the egg in the plate when the spoon hit the shell, coz i wasn't holding it tight enough. so instead of breaking into two halves, i got an egg that spilt into 3. Haha... After that we walked to Cathay Orchard (yes, we went to orchard) and we got like movie tickets for the Prince of Persia morning show, and another afternoon show for The Killers. Haha, we couldn't decide which one to watch so we ended up buying tickets for both. =P

All in all, i had fun today, a lot of it. But it was kinda hard. Haha. Throughout the day I was just resisting the temptation to just confess. Yes, that's so unlike me. But yeah, it's that bad. Or good. I wonder if we're better off just best friends or something more. But i'll only get an answer to that if I take the chance to jump. and fall. And yet, there's a part of me that's paranoid that i'll end up crashing in the end. But if i don't take the risk, i'll never know. i may end up regretting, after A levels, after he ends up in national service and I go off to Canada. Regretting that I've never said anything. regretting about what could have been. what if. what if. what if. Maybe i shouldn't think so much. Maybe i should just be happy and blessed with the fact that he walked into my life and turned it around.

I'm itching to ask my aunt or my mom about some relationship advice. But i think it'd be wiser to just keep this to myself for the moment. I think.

Chenghui called me today, told me something really shocking. I don't think she wants me to tell you, but yeah. My dear, i'll be there for you. Whenever, wherever, whatever you need me for. I know you'll make the right choice. Do what's best for you. Whatever you do, just know that the people around you will stand by you, support you and be there for you. Because we love you.

I'd better go finish up my admin work now. I've a meeting tmr, so I need to sleep early, though it's like 11.10pm, and it's way past early.

today.

Well, i have some newfound time, after i realised that i didn't need to make notes for one section of my Economics chapter. Econs is seriously madness. Just half the chapter 7, and I've got 6 pages of handwritten notes. My right hand is even feeling a bit sore from all the writing. I'm starting to lose confidence in getting straight As for A levels. There seems too much stuff, and too little time. Hah, i always say that, but i'll probably make it out fine in the end. right? i think so. Trying to find various little ways to try to motivate me to study again... I'm really getting sick of all these mugging. I need a life. Even my mom and dad tells me I need a life. My dad even asked me once if he should pull me out of JC, because I looked really stressed. I screamed no. Haha, but it wasn't really because of studies. More of because I didn't wanna give up all the friends i've made, and especially after i've put in that much effort to attain my leadership positions. and of course, him.

Taylor Swift hasn't come out with any new songs lately. So, i've been listening to P!nk. Haha =) I really like her songs, like how honest she is in her lyrics. Though some of her songs may seem like really rocker and some even vulgar, its really music with pure, bare, honest emotion, and I really admire how she's not afraid to show it all in her songs. Listening to "please don't leave me" now. haha.

Yesterday, I was using my aunt's laptop to have a webcam session with him. LOL. it was quite hilarious really, and I was surprised that my grandmom didn't comment anything about it... I was quite expecting like some sorta interrogation or something afterwards, haha, but that didn't happen. I was also expecting her to tell my parents all about it, which she didn't too. Then I was suddenly dawned with the thought that maybe she didn't see me as that little girl I used to be anymore. Grown up, ready to take on the world? Ha. I'm not so sure of the taking on the world part... but grown up? yup. yup.

Oh gosh. time really does fly. I can't believe my holidays are like 1/3 gone already. And I haven't even had time to really enjoy myself yet! Maybe tmr bah =P For now, i'd guess i'd better go back to my economics homework now. i HAVE to finish this by today. i HAVE to. yeah yeah. MUUUGGG.

this good girl ain't ever going bad.

My eyelid has been hurting a little... oh man. I think it's the result of my glasses slamming into my eye the other day, while i was trying to get something out from under the table. I hope it heals by tmr morning or something, if not i'm going to the doctor's. Not going risk my vision to save a few bucks.

I've been quite productive today, did Math, and some (ok, a tiny weeny bit) of Keynesian Theory in Econs, which is totally driving me up the wall. Math was, surprisingly, comparatively better, and more enjoyable than econs. I still feel that the June holidays aren't enough for me to study... like yeah. I don't know if I can make it for the 4H class gathering on the 15th. I think it'd be great to see like most of them again, but I can only squeeze out enough time to pop by for like 30 minutes then leave. Feeling overwhelmed from school work has become a norm for me these days.

Going out with him on Wednesday =) My only other free day in my entire holiday. Pathetic. I must be crazy. Just the thought of going out, and i'm smiling like a madwoman.

I promised I'd write more today in my blog, so here's it. today and yesterday.

TODAY
Bare Your Sole was super fun! Haha... although my cca and class went, I only walked with my class. We walked like bare-footed, for 5km in East coast park. Luckily, it was much easier than I thought it would be.... My feet still don't hurt much now, and I didn't get injured or anything. haha=) Woke up at like 5am in the morning, coz the Bare Your Sole event starts at 7.30am at East Coast, and it's like super far from my place. He was sweet enough to wake up super early for me, travel all the way from the east to bishan to meet me, so i wouldn't have to endure more than an hour alone in public transport. I felt so bad after that, and selfish. haha, I shouldn't have asked him to accompany me, should I? Well, anyways, we met up the class in bedok mrt, and took the shuttle bus to East Coast Park. While in the shuttle, Carol introduced me to this youtube person she's totally addicted to. Some person called NigaHiga... LOL. His videos are spammed with lame jokes and acts, I couldn't help but steal a smile, but that was all that could come out for me. Carol was laughing like mad, though it's not the first time she was watching that video. hahaha... During the walk, BoCheng was spamming us with lame jokes. We all laughed at his jokes, and him, cause some of the jokes we said, he didn't get, at all, although the answers were like super obvious. =) my classmates are really fun bunch of peeps to hang out with. you'll never get bored with them!

After Bare Your Sole, I went with him to like Parkway Parade to eat "lunch" it was still morning then, but i guess we were hungry after walking. LOL. He's always sending me to Yishun, so it's sorta like the first time i've stepped into his side of the island. Had porridge for lunch, then walked around the shopping centre to digest. Haha... We felt like 2 stuffed turkeys walking around! LOLs, coz we were like super full. He showed me around, we talked alot, as per usual, and then we stumbled on Borders (the bookstore). Me, being ME, i ran straight to the psychology section. WOAH. heaven man, the books there can last me for a lifetime. The both of us looked as if we were staring at gold or something (he's a psychology freak too, if you didn't know). Then we picked up this book, called the 33 secrets of Seduction. HAHA. Spent alot of time staring at that book, and laughing at it. Then, we picked up the 48 Secrets of WAR. by the same author. I reckon the author must be a damn scary person, can seduce ppl (or victims, as he refers to them in his books) and knows ways of initiating wars and squashing people for own self-benefit. We spent like 2 hours at Borders. (shoo! anti bookworms!) Then ICE CREAM. Okay, the ice cream at Parkway Parade, at this stall called Scoopz, is to die for. It's super delish, does not melt easily and the ice-cream totally like creams and the flavour creeps around inside your mouth. But it's quite expensive, so beware! We bought a pretzel from Auntie Anne's before walking to the bus stop to take a bus to Bishan. Passed by his flat while walking.

Actually, he invited me to go wash up at his place like few days before the Bare Your Sole event, as in like go there to wash up, before going out. I sorta panicked at the moment he popped the question. Yes, me, the totally relationship Noob me, has never gone to a guy's house alone before, and when he asked, i totally freaked. LOL. thank god he asked on msn. I gave a torrent of reasons, like i didn't want to enter his house, with his mom seeing me in a total mess. and that it was not so polite.... blahs. I did say i'll go his place to study sometime during the hols. I think that's much more appropriate.

He took the bus with me the whole way back to Bishan, watched me board the yishun bound train, and then took the circle line all the way back. After i waved goodbye, a wave of tiredness overwhelmed me. I don't know where I find that energy when i'm with him.

YESTERDAY
Went Karaoke-ing with Su xue and Calista!!!!!! My BFFs are the BEST in the world man! haha. It was so great for the 3 of us to get back together again... I mean like, yeah, it's been quite long since all 3 of us have met up and went out together, so it was like revival. did a bit of the SNSD gee dance. haha, though not very well. =X and my voice was practically GONE. lols, i attribute it to my few hours of teaching Psychology of War to my scholar cup teammates, and my lack of talent in singing. anyway, i don't mind my friends outshining me in the karaoke. HAHA. Especially Calista. woah, her voice. simply. OMG.

We took a few videos in the k session, though we looked, not er, as glam as we hoped. haha! but who cares lah, got entertainment value, and that's enough. I also realised that my chinese standard has dropped very significantly. while singing chinese songs, i panicked for, erm, alot of moments, because i couldn't read the word! haha. NYJCians all speak english, well, at least those i know. so, haven't been touching conversational chinese for a very very long time

After that, we went for dinner, talked alot about our life's happenings. =) I wanna meet up with both of them more. Physical distancing doesn't mean emotional distancing.

Today I had the BEST time with Su Xue and Calista. It's been forever since the three of us have got together, and I started to miss the times we were practically physically inseparable. We went to the karaoke in Northpoint, and sang just like we used to. haha... my voice is still the worst among us three. Haha. I just can't sing lah. i'll talk more tmr, need to sleep early, coz I have the Bare Your Sole Charity walk tmr morning. have to get up at like 5am.

he's coming all the way to bishan to fetch me tmr. Also the meeting venue is like super near his house. I don't know why, but the thought of meeting him in the morning gives me added reason to wake up in the morning.

Talk more tmr. =) gotta snooze.

confessions.

woah, okay, it's been AGES since i've last blogged. It should be ages since you've last seen my blog too, since i changed the URL. Like, twice. Haha. Now my blog should be only available to a handful of people, whom I consider to be in my "inner circle" of friends. This gives like 90% transparency into my life. haha... Warning, F-rated. Fearless.

Okay, let's skip the cheesy opening lines, and go on to the juicy details of my not so interesting life.

First up? The boring part. Haha, studies of course. My GOD. JC workload is actually quite fine, but it's the pace at which the tutors go that can drive you crazy. Even with tutorials, I constantly find myself running to catch up. I'm currently FAR behind where i'm supposed to be. This is... very bad. haha... to quote Ivan, from my class. Yeap. So, June holidays will be devoted to: studies! and of course a few occasional day outs here and there, and SHANGHAI. Yeah, for those of you who don't yet know, I'll be away in Shanghai for the World Scholar's Cup Competition during the 3rd week of June. =) and he's going too, so, it'll be fun. even without him. haha.

I'm getting a new phone soon. My baby dear Nokia 6288 has served me very very much well, and I think it's time for it to sit back and enjoy life at home as my back-up phone. Lols. I'll still love it as much though, since it stuck me through many of the highests and lowests points of my short 16 years of existance so far. I'll most probably be getting the Nokia 5800 (I can't give up nokia, it's so durable), though I really prefer the N97 (with the cute qwerty board!). But i'll burn a hole in my bank if I get the latter, so Nokia 5800 it is. haha... a little excited to getting my hands on a touch phone, though i currently suck at handling anything with a touch screen. lols.

Now, the juicy details. Let's talk about my diet. HAHA. I've been guzzling ice-cream like mad, and chocolate, and cake, and bread, and choco cookies (thanks to that guy). Shit, i'm NOT getting fat... LOL. Basically I don't have the gaining weight problem (if you hadn't already noticed) but, it's unhealthy to be ingesting so much sugar. My complexion is already starting to feel the brunt of the sugar effects. The good side is that I don't get the hypoglycemic giddy spells. Haha. ANYWAY. it's unhealthy. for the sake of the skin on my face, thou shalt start eating healthy. But it's hard to do so, without harming the wallet. The first healthy food I thought of was sushi. then i went, oh no. $u$hi. There goes my allowance. =X

Ok, sorry about er, delaying this part to the last. Haha. I was actually deliberately doing so, er... coz it's sensitive. Riiight. Love life. hehs. Well things are going well between me and him. Ichijou is SO last year. Haha, ok, that sounded evil. Anyways, i think we're both addicted to each other! haha. I don't know how to put it, but yeah. No, we're not in a relationship. I'm not dating anyone, I'm doing everything I can to control my feelings here. But, it's pretty clear about how we feel about each other. So... i'm just gonna let things figure itself out. I know he's holding back for somewhat the same reason as I am. That makes things easier to keep under control. I wonder if I can hold this up till after A Levels. But then again, I wouldn't be seeing him after that. He's got NS, I'm leaving for Uni in Canada. It'd be 2 years at least before we can meet again. Well, 3, if he's staying in Singapore to study. Sometimes life is unfair, huh. Argh, why am I getting so sentimental over a guy. Okay, not any guy, but... still. I wish life were more straightforward. You meet, you fall in love, you date, get hitched, aha, and live happily ever after. Riiight.... I sound totally cliche. But, if life were that straightforward, I'd probably wouldn't have gain such great friends. I probably wouldn't have met Su Xue and Calista, and probably wouldn't have gone into debate, I probably wouldn't have went to NYJC, and I probably wouldn't have met him. It's quite crazy when I think about that fact that we used to patronize the same macdonalds on the same day of every week for the past 2 years (cause of tuition). I could have saw him many times, but never really realised, and we could've just walked past as strangers. It's pretty funny how the world works, if you think of it in that sense.

AH. WTH... it's 5.45pm. Okay, to keep up with my schedule, i'll have to scram back to studying, like, NOW. Feeling overwhelmed. with work.

I'll try to blog more. It feels nice to be able to let my thoughts run as I type (that's classified as having my fingers run).

Ciáo =)
xoxo.
carmen, the self-professed good girl. HAHA.