pre-battle SPEECH!! LOLS

I don't know when i can blog again, so this prolly is it. till after promos. or maybe i may blog in between. haha, i really don't know.

I don't know if i can make it past promos. But i'll give it my best shot. To give up now, is the true regret. I'll do my best. I promise. One week left. I'll give it my all.

It's at these times when i realise how important certain people are in my life. Like they're irreplacable. To these people, thank you for being who you are, and guiding me through.

and to my dear,
I'm only up when you're not down, don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground. Don't lose hope yet. The battle hasn't begun, and we still have time to prepare. Your mental capacity is higher than most people. ONE WEEK. you can do it!! I believe you can. We'll make it through, together.
Just like you've always been there for me when i need you, i wanna make sure that you pull through to, okay? So promise me, we'll work together. We'll fight together. and win together. Let's take on the world. With you, i know i can.

CHENG HUI. my honor's roll girl. haha, don't say you're gonna give up again hor. bluff me =(
You'll always outshine me, superwoman. And I've no qualms about that. Please lend me some of your strength this time. I miss the times when you would give me a big hug before exams. and when we would say "I feel motivated!" in exaggerated tones, just to boost morale. I really REALLY miss all of those little little things that gave me all the courage i needed to pull through my Os. Now it's Ps. hahaha, for Promos. And you're not here. It seems harder to take exams. =(
Say you believe in me darling. Look me in the eye and tell me I can achieve the impossible.

SU XUE. woah, i miss sitting beside you during exams leh! now always sit beside strangers. =X haha, I wish you all the best for yr promos, sister. I know you're struggling too, but we'll make it through. haha, like we did so before. right? and as we learnt, failing, isn't the end to everything. It's just a grade. It's the journey that counts.

For all the people that love me, believe in me and have faith in me.
everytime you smile, i'll smile; and everytime you shine, i'll shine for you.

P.S. MY DAD TOTALLY ROCKS!!!!

Please don't ever let me go. Even if i'm nowhere near you. Because i'm losing myself.

I feel like a piece of screwed up crap right now. I can't concentrate, my brain's blocking out everything. I can't breathe. Like suffocating or something.

I'm freaking starting to panic for promos. There's too much on the line. Gaaaaaawwwwwwwwddddd. I really can't breathe. Going to starbucks later. maybe a mocha frapp would help me. Seriously, i'm spending all my cash on starbucks.

This girl really wants to runaway.

P.S. i just wanted to add...

dear, i just wanna say i love you, and i'm so damn lucky to have you. even i had to be a thousand miles away for 3 years, my heart would always be with you, and i swear i wouldn't change that. you're everything i've ever wanted and needed, like the last puzzle piece that fell into my life. I'm so sorry for making you worry for me all the time. I'll live my life, with you, to the fullest, and i'll be more positive, for your sake. thank you... for everything. I love you, with all that i've got.

is it too selfish for me to want you to come with me? it is, right. God, please stop this pain. It's tearing me apart.

today was a good, and a bad day. haha. good in the sense that i got to spend much more time with him than i usually would, bad in the sense that i had a stomachache, and seeing mabel leave for australia at the airport, made me think so much about myself.

I would cry. Really badly. Prolly crack a few bad jokes. And I wouldn't let his hand go. Damnit. I've visualised this situation over and over again, for God knows how long, but every time it makes me dread that day even more. Departure gates scare me now. Shit. I feel like crying again.

promise you'll never let my hand or heart go. ever.

i want to study. i want to ace and kill promos. i don't want to let chenghui down after she told me that i must aim for straight Bs. and i don't want to retain. that would be the last thing i'd ever wish for.

but yet, i'm so tired of all these. the concepts the notes, the stupid promo packages. it's starting to wear me. and i'm feeling the brunt of it. JC is stressful. i want to go out with Orson on saturday, I want to send Mabel off at the airport on saturday. but everything in my head tells me to stay home to mug. everything in my heart tells me i need a break. divide me. please.

i really don't wanna go to school tmr. but i have to, coz there's bio lessons and freaking chinese at 7.30. but i have to. this sucks. my eyes are burning, i think because i lack sleep. i wish time could just hell stop for one day.

i'm just going to blog a little while. i don't think i'll have time for more.

I'm trying really hard not to complain about life again. complain about exams, about school, about whatever. I'm just trying to remind myself that i already am much luckier than many other people in the world.

I wish i could live my life again. But then, there's only 3 weeks left to promos. So i've decided to at least try to work harder. It's tiring, but 3 weeks. I think i can do it. Right?

And, I cannot believe that one year has just gone like that. That last year, at this very time, I would be jittering over O levels. Haha, what a joke. Now I wish Promo exams were the same standard as the Os. Fat hope.

Daddy's sick. I hope he gets well soon. I love my dad man. He's like some sorta super guy. He's got flu, he's marking papers, and when i spotted a leak in the bathroom, he fixed it within half hour. Super dad. =)

Having a tummy ache now. I think I overstuffed myself for dinner. indigestion. aaarrrgh.
I'm just going to apologise to everyone around me first. I'm going to lose my life and live solo for these 3 weeks because I need it. The exceptions? My dear, my parents, my closest friends. I need you guys more.

Please let me be strong and get through this without breaking down.

I don't mean to be MEAN, but some people should just shut the hell up, before they irritate me too much, and i'll seriously. SERIOUSLY get nasty. And don't ever get on my bad side. or you'd rather have a gun in your head.

Orson came over to my place today. And I couldn't have spent the day better. I really really don't know how or what I did for me to deserve someone like that. And my aunt and grandma are always full of praises of him. haha! I don't know if it's abit early to say this, but I can't wait to marry the guy. I really envy married couples now. haha. the way they're entitled to take on the world together. we already are taking on things together, just not the world, yet. =)

I didn't really study much today after Orson left. My dad's worried that i'm too stressed up, without me even realising it. I'm prolly visiting starbucks tmr, get some caffeine to perk my moods or something. hah. I'll do my best for the promos. I'm just starting to hate that voice in my head that's starting to tell me that it's doubting if my best is enough. I hope I stay strong enough and not break down again like I did for my mid-years. It's strange, how i'm telling everyone around me to believe in themselves when I myself doubt if I can do it.

My teeth hurt like crazy. Stupid wisdom teeth. Haha, yeah, they're coming out, but i don't feel any wiser at all.

My dear, I wanna wake up and go to sleep to you. I wanna cook and clean, and watch your expressions when you see me do so. I wanna hear you boast about yourself to me, rant about everything that happened in the day. I wanna spend every second of my life with you, and I wouldn't give my hand or heart to anyone else. I love you, and nothing in the world would ever change that.

Sorry for not blogging for so long. I tried keeping up with diary writing again, but the blog's still the best way to rant.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't live without him. I know he's not going to leave me, but i can't live without him, without him physically by my side. I'm trying to push all my attention to studying to push away the fear, but it just comes back. I wish my dad and aunt would stop mentioning about Uni, and me leaving Singapore. I wish they would stop talking like they know i'll fall in love with life there and leave my home for good. I wish they knew i've already given my heart away, and even if i leave, i'd just go as an empty shell.

Today, dad asked if I was sure about going to Australia instead of Canada. I told him Australia was much nearer, and I could come home more often. And that there were more Singaporeans there. Actually i'm not sure. I'm not even sure if I can take care of myself overseas. If i can NOT break down. And then my aunt had to talk about me opening up my horizons if i went to Canada. The funny thing was, at the end of all her talk, she said, maybe i should stay in Singapore. So i could see Orson. I tried to put on an uncaring face. But that's the best thing that i've ever heard today. I don't know why.

I can't wait till I see Orson on tuesday. I can't even spend a freaking weekend without missing my angel. We msned a little while just now. I wanted to tell him I missed him. But i didn't. We didn't talk long today, it was his bedtime, so i shooed him off. Maybe PMS is making me emotional, but, i just broke down and cried on the spot.

all this time i've been running around in circles, trying to find my place in this world. i've found it now. and i'm feeling so secure i don't want to let go. even temporarily. i don't want to face anything alone now.

maybe i'm just being overemotional.