mistake.

Ok, rumours that I'm dating him is spreading in the class like wildfire. You could even say that almost half the class thinks it's the truth. Lols! I really don't feel bothered about such rumours, there's just too many things on my plate now to think of this. Besides, I think i've finally had it sorted out. I think my feelings for him is just that of one of my closest friends ever, and nothing really more than that. Maybe things will change for the future, but for now, it's just best friends and that's that. I might have mistaken my feelings for him earlier. Maybe it's because I've never met a guy that understands me as well as he does. Yeah, come to think of it, it's all at the friends level. Or maybe like a brother. But definitely nothing more.

YAWN. I'm SO dead tired. I don't think I can keep my eyes open for long, but it just has been TOO LONG since my last post, so I thought I'd just drop by and type a post. Had Film Fest in school today, attended a screening of 3 short films in school, like cinema like that. It was quite fun =) Was definitely a good destress from the entire one and a half week I spent mugging for my bio test today. Once the bio test was cleared, I felt this HUGE surge of relief, and accomplishment (for doing my best. whether i fail or pass is another issue. haha). Tmr meeting Carol in the morning for a girls-morning-out, and then Kahay in the afternoon to study, and later at night go for our school's Chinese Orchestra and Gu zheng concert. Lihao, Lingshan... JIAYOU! haha

ok... i really need sleep now. i think i'll die of lerthargy tmr if i don't hit the pillow now. just gonna pack my bag for tmr and drift off into lala land.

I MISS MY BFFs SO DAMN MUCH. IT'S BEEN TOO LONG SINCE WE'VE LAST MET. I HOLD ON TO THE TIMES WHERE WE HAD THE MOST FUN AND LAUGHS TOGETHER. MY GIRLS, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I LOVE AND MISS YOU LOTS. XOXO.

Oh, i might be changing my blog URL soon. haha. heads up.

Ironic humour.

There have been rumours going around our class that the both of us, I and him, are already dating. No wonder i've been getting weird stares by one of the girls in class! HAHA but basically I find the entire thing hilarious. I have no intention at all of stepping into a relationship with anyone except for my A level syllabus at this point in time, and most of the time we spend together is study, study, study. Yes, there are those intervals when your straining eyes force you to take a break and we start chatting up, but in the end we're both onto the books again. Lols... I know I like him, but I'm very content with having him as a good friend, so I'm keeping the status quo. And he's doing the same.

But i'm really curious to see how the imaginations of those guys who have nothing better to do in class are going to play out, so we're not intending to clarify anything we them, yet. LOLs. I'm just intending to let my closer girlfriends in class know that the rumours aren't true, and just let the nosey-parkers think what they want to think. Anyway, if you try to clarify stuff with them, they will NEVER believe you. Rumours originated from this particular guy, who is also responsible for 2 rumours (which are still on-going... btw) prior to this one. He's a pretty smart guy, but too bad he's not putting his intelligence into the right use. I'm actually keen to see how this entire episode is going to play itself out. One more reason why school isn't boring, at all.

I slept for the entire morning till afternoon... which i think should be partly due to fatigue and my stupid sinus infection that has been causing phelgm to clog in my pharynx (i'm still a bio student ok!!). If it gets really bad, i'll go see the doctor, but i'll still turn up in school.

Oh god. Going to work through the weekend, AGAIN. Have to re-do my PI, organise geog file, geog tutorial, math tutorial, econs case study, bio notes.... and the list is never-ending. It always is, isn't it?

I got exempted from NAFTA test. I cannot believe it. All these years i've been trying to get exempted, and finally this year, when i've decided to work hard for NAFTA, and the teacher says that I can be exempted. My PE teacher rocks man!! But my aunt is now worried that my scerlosis (the backbone prob) has gotten worse, so she wants me to go see the doctor. =( Well, everything has a bad side.

I stayed back after school again today, to help him with his long overdue chinese homework. That's his worst subject, so he tends to procastinate for that. Haha. We ended up talking alot, as per usual. As we were walking from school to the mrt station he asked if i felt he was a burden to me, like cause he was always asking me to stay back after school to study together. I told him it was ok and i enjoyed his company. But the way he asked seemed like he was trying to imply something. I don't know what exactly. I don't want to make any wild guesses either.

Marisol told me to just tell him how i feel. Like SHE always does. I kinda admire her in a sense. She always lives like there's no tomorrow, she's frank, straightforward, and not afraid to tell the people around her how she feels, for fear of regret that she might never get to say those words again. I don't know, I just can't bring myself to tell him how i really feel, or ask him how he feels about me. It's just not me to do that. But i know i don't wanna say or ask anything, because i'm just afraid that things between us would just go all awkward and affect our friendship. I'd rather be friends with him than lose him totally. Ok, i know i sound all cliché, but, that's the hard truth.

Yesterday, his personal message on msn was "Valentine's is over, and i thought cupid was on paid leave... I'm not complaining though". I found it pretty amusing. I don't dare to write out my own thoughts on my personal message, I just look around for song lyrics that I can relate to and post those lyrics up. So it doesn't seem too obvious. But most of the time i post the lyrics up just plainly because i find them cool, so ok, you can't really tell how i feel just by reading my PM.

Oh GOSH. I have my GP essay outline to finish. I wanted to stay up to watch CSI tonight, but I guess i just will watch CSI: Miami till 11pm and sleep. I'm really tired after studying past midnight yesterday.

I gave it a huge think-through. Somehow my brain was working on untangling the confusion i mentioned in my last post while I was doing my PI. Haha, talk about multi-tasking.

I'm just going to go on with life, as the status quo is now. Being good friends ain't that bad afterall, in fact it might be better this way. Save the awkwardness, and everything else, let's just go on as per normal. I'm pretty happy with the way things are right now anyways. He changed is personal message to lament on Project work. So let's just move on from here. Let fate play out the rest of these 2 years that we're going to be together.

I finished that super saddistic PI. The word count is my biggest enemy. Like I had to cut to 499 words from an initial 800 plus words. CRAZY!! It took a lot of time, curses, and swears, but i got it done. I completed my Service Learning Proposal also. SLC!! haha. Ok, i like my cca. =)
Now, i'm left with my revision for my Geog test on tues, and a geog essay that is due on like friday, but i still wanna do it, just get all things Geog related out of the way. I wish these tests wouldn't just keep on comin' and comin'.

sorry for the super short post just now. parents in the room, not suitable to type the following content in their presence. it's gonna be a super long post, so bear with me.

shit, i think i'm falling for someone.

Ok, let's do a complete breakdown of things. The feeling i'm having now is completely different from all that in the past. It's different from the other crushes that i have had, different from that crush I had on Ichijou last year. So, I'm really really confused. I've been keeping this bottled up for like a week or so, and I have the sudden impulse of blurting it all out somewhere. That's the purpose of a blog, isn't it? My parents hardly read my blog anymore, so I suppose it should be fine. But even if they know through reading, I don't mind. It would just be awkward to tell them in the face "Hey mom, i think i'm in love with this guy in school." That would just be nuts.

Anyways, I won't say the guy's real name, but let's just refer to him as him. haha. Well, we hit off pretty well in the beginning, from the very first day we met. You know when you have a crush on someone, when you're in close contact or even proximity with that person you feel like you have lots of butterflies in your guts, sometimes your face starts blushing for no apparent reason, you get tongue tied, hyperventilate, even feel breathless sometimes. Basically, when you have a crush, you can't keep your cool or focus, when you're around that guy. But for him, it's totally different. Totally. We talk for hours and hours. I mean it. We can go like from 9pm to 2am on msn, we can spend the entire time after school just talking endlessly. It's comfortable, in fact, to be around him.

"if you'd ask me if I love him, i'd lie" Yes, I would deny it if you ask me in the face. So don't bother. Haha. But the fact is that I like him. I really really like him. I'm not sure whether it's just an infacuation or is it the real thing, but unlike the previous crushes (which usually happens over a short period of time, like suddenly you realise you're head over heels without any apparent reason) this one didn't just appear outta nowhere. We started off as acquaintances, then friends then really talkative friends, and it wasn't until recently that I found myself hanging out with him, alot. If you know me, i don't hang out with guys often. So, ya... But the way he makes me feel when he's around, it's enough to make me wanna stick around. And I know exactly why i like being with him. I know exactly why i like him. this one didn't just appear outta nowhere. So, yes, i do like him. I try super hard not to show it, yes, the part where acting skills come into play. So nobody suspects, at all.

Now, here's the catch. I think he likes me. Ok, there's absolutely no doubt that he likes me as a friend. No doubt. But yesterday i started to suspect that he really likes me. He asked me out to study yesterday, so I told him the times that I was free today. He traveled across the country (literarily, cos we live at the opposite ends of singapore) just to meet me. We seriously did study, just the 2 of us, managed to complete my math homework and read about 10 pages of geog, then he asked if I wanted to go for a movie. He asked me what movie i would want to watch yesterday, I told him the only movie that slightly appealed to my interests now would be Clash of the Titans. lols.

So, we went to the cinema, but the tickets were sold out, coz it's a public holiday. So, we walked around the shopping centre, went to the bookstore just talking non-stop around the way. Then we had Yoshinoya together at like 3 plus, almost 4pm, apparently we both love the beef with vege bowl, and we eat in a similar pattern: finish the veges first, then eat a bit of rice with beef, but leave some of the beef till you finish ALL the rice, then you eat the beef. YUMMO. He paid for lunch, but we agreed that i would pay for the next meal we had together (i was totally going like YAY. THERE'S A NEXT TIME). Followed was a another long walk-and-talk around the shopping centre (no, we didn't go to northpoint, in case you were thinking), before going home. He needs a freaking 2hours to get back home. I only needed like 20 minutes.

We found ourselves chatting on msn again just now. He signed off already, he has cca tmr, so he needs the sleep. Currently my mind is completely caught up with his new personal message, i can't concentrate on my PI. His new PM is "Pick me up when I fall. For you." I don't know if he's referring to me. When we hang out or talk, we act completely like normal. I don't know if he's referring to me. I HOPE he's referring to me. I would pick him up, hoping that he'll catch me at the same time as well.

But now, I'm at a loss on what to do about all these now. We could totally keep the status quo, as really good friends and all, or we could become something more. I really don't know. help.

The entire of today wasn't as productive as I hoped it would be, as a result I'm way behind my schedule and to-do list. But I wouldn't change anything about what happened today, though. No, I wouldn't.

Things are getting pretty much hectic in life, i've already lost more than expected personal time. I slept quite late last night, or rather, this morning. Lols. I slept at like 2 am, so yeah... There's too much things to do, and everything is kinda eating up more and more of your life. But somehow I feel happier, not as stressed or depressed as last year. Last year I was practically tearing myself apart trying to juggle everything. This year I'm seeing it more of as a challenge, and something that I can and will overcome. Is this the onset of maturity or just plain ignorance?

*Yawn*. The one hour afternoon nap didn't have much of an effect afterall.

I'll make this post short today. I PROMISE i'll write tomorrow... and that i'll write more.
Meeting li hao for running tmr morning. I dun wanna fail my 2.4km. =)