i went out to Art Friend today, to get some art material, then after that to city hall to check out something, but i didn't find the thing that i wanted. then afterthat i made my way to somerset to study abit. Met my aunt and my aunt's cousin (my cousin-aunt?) there, we had some fun doodling on café tissue paper, and had dinner at this German restaurant near Marché. They may be much older than me, but they feel like my age when we do this kinda stuff. I wish i had friends like them, but really i don't. haha, not that my friends are bad, but they are deep-thinkers. Sometimes i wish i had more simple-minded people surrounding me. Perhaps then i wouldn't see life as something so bleak at times.



I missed my boyfriend today. haha, i'm so used to having him around all the time, that when i go out without him, something seems missing. It wasn't so bad when aunt and cousin-aunt came around, but the few hours before that. I've been going through rough times lately, and I try really hard not to show it to anyone else, but him. And he's there for me, so i'm glad that's the case. I'm glad I don't have to cry alone anymore. and he makes me feel secure, and that's the best thing.



i'd better get to sleep now. it's late. and tmr i've to work harder. i won't feel guilty for relaxing today though. i needed it.

i'm really tired. of everything. i just want everything to stop. i can't take it anymore. stop pushing me, stop demanding me, stop expecting of me. i feel like i'm suffocating, drowning, falling. Losing grip. But i want to let go. I don't see any motivation to hold on any longer, because i'm too tired. I really am too exhausted of pressing on and on and on. i don't see the point to this.

don't let me get me. i wanna be somebody else.

sick leave.

blehs, i'm sick and at home! somehow i feel really really happy about this.

So, i wake up, with a double tummy ache, both cramps and gastric. Ate gastric pills first, then collapse on my bed, where i waited for what felt like eons before breakfast finally arrived. Ate a few spoonfuls of rice, then chewed and swallowed a pill of Brexin (some painkiller thing that's supposedly much stronger than Panadol, coz the latter doesn't work on me) and then tried to sleep. it's hard to fall asleep when you feel like yr abdomen is being torn apart and stabbed simultaneously, but i managed.

I wanted to wake up to crawl to school for my Econs test, which is so happening in 30 minutes time from the next sentence i type, but neeehhh. My body protested. My boyfriend protested. My stubborn mind listened. sooo now, i'm slacking at home, which kinda rocks actually, cos i haven't felt this relaxed in a long time, despite that i still feel like i'm floating. (imma ghost!)

I didn't go to the doctor's, coz i KNOW what she will say to me. 'You're Stressed!' I always get that. haha. I am stressed. There's no point denying such stuff anyways. So I stayed home, did a facial, listening to music and just chilled. Maybe I'm going to study Econs later. Maybe. But really, I can't be bothered about school right now. I shouldn't bother. I need rest. Right?

Kinda hoping that Orson will drop by my place to see me after school ends, but that's too evil of me... hehs. I mean, he'll reach home late, he'll finish work late, sleep late, and the cycle goes on. So I'd better be the good girlfriend and fight the urge to see him till tmr. I'm pretty much dreading tmr though. There's like CCA. Math Lecture. ugh. The thought of Math makes me feel sleepyyyy......zzzzzzzz

Sunday, my uncle came over and he was like asking me which Uni in Australia I wanna go. Imma like, I dunno. Which I really don't. It's so pressurising, these people, like they're making my decisions for me. And he wants me to enroll in the February class so I can end Uni earlier. In my mind, I was going wtf. Really, I NEED a break after A levels and all, and i have NEVER got a chance really, to thoroughly enjoy myself during my youth, and you want me to go mug early, so I can work early? Seriously. I wish I had the courage to say No there and then. I'm sick and tired of these nosey people poking their business into my life. I want to live it my own way. Why can't they even give me that. And my parents, they NEVER speak up for me about what I want in front of others. they should. Sometimes i feel they are too protective in some ways and too unprotective in others. They know what i want. It's not like I never told them, and they agreed. So why let other people dig on me. Why?

I'm tired, and frustrated. That's why I need a break.

Hiiii. I always blog when i feel messed up. So yeah, i feel pretty messed right now.

i'm feeling like there's just too many things, too little time, too high expectations, too low chances of meeting them. I don't know whether i should feel overwhelmed and break down, or get empowered by the stress, and strive on. Right now i just feel so tired. Exhausted. Sick, of this routine, sick of the work, sick of waking up and dragging my feet off the bed to enter this mad rush, where i'm supposedly being groomed to become a worthy and respected individual.

and there and then, when i'm complaining and grudging about this endless, relentless cycle of work and lack of sleep that bears down mercilessly on my strained brain, I want to be kept here. I'm afraid to go elsewhere, where the system is freedom, and the lack of restriction, given purposes, and drilled knowledge, i believe would leave me lost. Yes, i'm afraid to step out of the country and throw myself into a society with less strings attached. Like a puppet without strings, I may just flop, and fall to the ground, with a soft plop. So soft, that people won't even realise that i've fallen.

I've given myself high hopes. I told myself to grow up, be mature, think big, outside the box, live big, dream big, and achieve those big things. But my height still remains a constant, I don't feel any more adult than my age, and I don't know where's the box i'm in, so i can't step out. I try to dream big, and live big, but then again, those dreams, are filled with too much of imagination and too little of reality, with too many question marks and doubts, that I lose sense of what i'm supposed to achieve.

At this junction, I suppose, I'm lost. I guess. I feel lost. I feel tired. I just want to sleep and wake up with a direction. But I know that no one can help me find my direction, no one but myself. and i will find it, i believe... and i'll start by hitting the pillows to sleep.

I just made up my mind that i would go for the Taylor Swift concert. Heck the math test on the next day. I logged on Sistic, to find the tickets sold out. I felt my heart wrench. Too late.

It's the 2nd day of the Chinese New Year. At least, there's still 2 mins left before the 3rd day comes. hah. Time flies. It really does. I've been thinking a lot lately, well okay... I usually think a lot already, but I've been thinking more than often these few days. About a lot of things. About how, I'm not exactly living my life like I should. It's more of, I'm not savouring everyday, and every minute that I've got, I'm not living my life to the fullest. You may think it's a foolish dream to think that anyone can live life to his/her fullest, with no regrets, but, that's my dream. I'd always put that as my new year's resolution, because I feel that I have been given so much, but yet, I let alot of it slip away with time as well.

I'll do my best to cherish what i have now. i really will. especially who i have now.

Hmph. I swear I'll go to a Taylor Swift concert when I next hear of one here. Till then, i'll make sure i'm never "too late" again.