２０１０ 年，你带给我微笑，无奈，悲哀，幸福。永别今年，可说会带着一种又苦又甜的滋味。

２０１１年，你好。初次见面，请你不要拒绝我一直以来的苦心，让我努力奋斗的一切都开花结果。

This is weird. I haven't wrote a song in ages... and I mean, ages. Yet, Doojoon and Dongwoon from B2st have officially inspired me to start writing again. I'll give it a try, tmr. See if the music juices are still somewhere inside me.

I've been thinking alot lately. Weighing choices, decisions, roads to take. Somehow i'm always at a crossroads. I'd wish there'd come a time when i'm not afraid of so many things. That I'm brave enough to tell people what i truely want, and what i stand for. I wish i'd stop hiding behind appearances, that I'd come out straight and truthful.

I'd always want to tell Orson everything. But everytime i see him, he just makes me smile, and forget the stuff that's been hanging around my head. and i'll just worry him more if i tell him certain things.

I hope no door closes on me yet.

Finally blogging after, i don't know how long... But this will be a quick post. I gotta sleep soon =x

Holidays are just gone like that. I can't believe I just have 2 more weeks, before the "play" button clicks, and life returns to the hectic, stressful rush called school. Trying to make the most out of this 2 weeks. I hope. There are so many things to be done, that I want to do, that I just didn't have the time to do before. Please let me be able to finish everything!

Tomorrow's daddy's birthday. We're going out at night to celebrate, and who cares if i'm missing my class bbq for this. Family's more important.

Starting to study bit by bit. Not the most welcoming thing to the new year, but yeah, it has to be done. I will do well again this year, hopefully better. and hopefully, not just in academics, but other things as well.

Play hard, work hard, live strong.

i'm a perfectionist. doesn't mean i'm perfect.

staying postitive, and living the moment. that's the motto i discovered today. when you realise just how little time you have for yourself and the people you love, especially in a society that puts your career in such a priority seat (or for us students, our academics) we really have to make effort to make full use of the time that is given to us.

but i just wanna say, it's demanding. it's demanding being me. It's demanding being who everyone expects me to be. people want me to get good grades, and consistently improving and attaining higher academic standards. people want me to be good at other things at the same time. housework, oh housework. i'm expected to be the perfect cook, do good laundry, clean up, and what nots. i'm expected to be the great friend, or rather, i expect myself to be so. i want to be there for all my friends, and not just them, my family, and my bf as well. sometimes being a perfectionist ain't that all good. =x but that's who i am. i know you can't tell from my riduculously messy table. but, yeah.

i'm getting really tired of everything, bit by bit. i can't find the spark in my anymore, just trying to rub rub rub aimlessly, create friction within myself, so somehow i can find some sort of spark. haha, all the rubbing is only causing undue hurt and confusion. and knots. lots of them, but i'm slowly trying to untangle them. i can feel my defence mechanism coming up again. i'll withdraw, from reality, go into this imaginary world. where no one can hurt me, nothing else matters. Beast is part of that imaginary world. Inevitable, since their songs help so much in easing my nerves. i promised myself to start living in the real world from this year onwards. yet now i find myself slipping back. ridiculous.

i wish life were simple. edit out all those complications, all the things that get our hearts and souls all tangled up and messed. but life ain't simple. that the cold hard truth. and we'll just have to deal with it.

I went out with Joleen and her sister Joanne today=) had great fun, really =) we went to bugis street to shop. haha, we didn't really buy alot of things, i got a jacket, a pink, cute one. lols. this is my don't know how manyth jacket. i'm just obsessed with the external layer of clothing. i can't leave the house without a jacket. we talked quite a bit, and i found out joleen's choice. she's finally out of denial. i promised her i would do everything i can to help her out. we may not be in the same class anymore, but we're still very best friends. today's retail therapy helped to clear my mind off a lot of things, and see things in a clearer light. Joleen gave me a SHINee poster for my birthday. haha... I like Beast more than SHINee. lols. it's a really nice poster, but i have no idea where to hang it...!

i'll be using my korea trip to completely free my mind of stuff. i promise myself i'll come back rejuvinated, revived, ready to face the world once again. for now, i've been replaying the song Lights Go On Again by Beast. It's a really meaningful song, the lyrics i mean. it keeps me going. For now.

To anyone out there, who feels tired of everything around you...

sixteen, going on, seventeen.

i'm Seventeen tomorrow. i just realised. i'm SEVENTEEN tomorrow. usually birthdays never mattered to me. i don't know, somehow i get a sense of "i'm growing up" when the number seventeen presents itself to me. This is the last post on the sixteenth year of my life =) How cool is that!

Currently i'm talking to Orson and listening to Beast. haha. nothing can get better than this. lols. come to think of it, there are alot of things better than this. but what the heck. i'm happy and smiling now. haha. i was just thinking about the stuff i've accomplished in the 16th year of my existence. lols. i didn't manage to conjure up a really magnificant list, but some of the stuff that are on it are things for me to remember, and things for me to be proud of. there were also alot of mistakes made, words that shouldn't have been said, things that shouldn't have been done, time that shouldn't have been wasted, but i'll just have to put that all behind me. coz the main thing is that there were a lot of rough times, and i got through them much better than i thought.

Seventeen. A whole new year. One year older. A lot more responsibilities. Higher expectations. More hardwork. More obstacles to overcome. I still don't know how i'm going to do it. Make it through to Eighteen, and hopefully i can look back and tell myself i've done well. Truthfully, i've never made any birthday wishes before. Not that i can recall. Maybe a few minor wishes when i was young. Oh, i remember wishing for world peace once. HAHA. i guess that wish went ignored. =x

for my seventeenth birthday, i'd like to make a wish though. I don't feel like wishing for any objects, coz i know i've much more than what many other people would have. I think i'd wish for myself to be a better person. I wish that I'll become more sensible and responsible, and wouldn't make the people who love me worry for me anymore, or get mad at me for my mistakes. I wish i'd have more in me to push myself harder towards fufilling the expectations people have of me. I wish to be a someone they can be proud of. I wish to be someone whom i myself can be satisfied with. It's a huge wish, although much smaller in scale than wishing for world peace, but, it's a wish that i can achieve. if i constantly remind myself, and put my mind to it.

Tomorrow will be a fun day, since Orson is bringing me out. Haha... He makes me feel like i actually have a birthday. Usually for my birthdays i just get a cake and a song. and that's it. nothing else. it doesn't really feel like a special day. but this year it does. So, thank you. Really. This means the world to me. I just hope my mom doesn't forget my birthday. Hope... hah. i don't know if she'll remember. i hope she does. =x

화이팅!!~