there are really many things going through my mind right now, and somehow i can't help but feel so insecure. things have happened to my cca, but nobody bothers or gives a damn about our side of the story, and some people have been coming up with an awful lot of darn right lame excuses just to keep us down. I can't believe this. The very reason why i used to love my school so much: because every students voice can be allowed to be heard, this very reason is slowly being eroded away to a mere memory. I don't feel like i can trust some of the teachers in the higher authority posts anymore. they scare me. Not in the sense that i'm afraid of them, but rather, their attitude towards students are far vast from what is right of a teacher, it scares me to think that such characters are prevalent in our education system, and so-called nuturing the generation of tomorrow.

It has been a long wait. From the mid of march till now, the tail end of April, we've been waiting and searching for answers. We've been rejected, had doors slammed in our faces, and on hopes that we will be given our rights as students, as people. We never had that. Again and again, i felt trampled on, insulted, in one way or another. Not only taking up responsibilities that didn't belong on our shoulders, but also facing criticisms, on our character and way of work; some comments i feel are anything but not even close to a fair judgement. our cca was closed with no proper reason, and so far nobody has bothered to ask of our opinion. i feel ridiculed, toyed and humiliated. I don't believe that any teacher has the right to make his students feel this way.

Right now, i'm just angry, exhausted, fustrated and disappointed. We tried to speak out, but no one listened. We tried to question, but no one answered. We tried to be reasonable, but were treated without reason. We stuck to our values, but are accused for lacking them. I mean like I really feel like going up to the principal and tell him "it's not right. something's not right with your teachers. this is what they have told us. this is what they have done to us. this is what they have done to our juniors. this is how badly we're affected that we can't trust the very people who are supposed to teach us. aren't you going to do something about that?"

I can sense my defenses coming up again. I've never been this wary of my surroundings and people since the episode in sec 2. Now, i'm at it again. It's the game of survival. Be alert, watch out for ambushes, be wary, and don't trust anybody who you don't know well enough to know he/she is safe. Because anybody, anyone, can turn their backs against you in cold-blooded murder. I'm not letting myself get hurt this time. I'm not letting my friends get hurt too. I doubt myself, if i have enough strength to last this game. but i'm not letting my guard down. and i will do anything in my power to safeguard my own interests and that of my team. As I said, it's the game of survival. It didn't have to be this way, but you made it as such. It's either you or me, and someone's gotta go down.

I NEED TO BLOG MORE. period. OH mann... there has been SO SO SO many things that are just stuck in my chest for the past few weeks or so... and the truth is, that, I really can't take it anymore. There were times when I'm just in the library, and wondering if I should pop in to see the school counsellor. I'm hyperventilating a lot, I can't focus, and I'm just an emotional wreck. I pity my boyfriend who has to take the brunt of it. =( sorry dear!! =(( So here's the breakdown on everything happening recently. 1. Some bitch teacher wants to close down my CCA 2. Same bitch teacher trys to play politics with me 3. Same bitch teacher spreads false and totally defamatory information about me and my CCA mates, in the staffroom, causing many teachers to think badly of us 4. My friend breaks down amid all the stress 5. I break down after bottling all the stress 6. My senior comes into the picture and tells us to fight, don't give up 7. Some Saint teacher, who was once a lawyer, drops us points for us to build up a case 8. I'm going to take a risk. Okay, well, the order of things, are, slightly jumbled up, only in the middle. the front and back are like, the same. Teachers are supposed to TEACH and impart MORAL values. Not play games with students and treat us like disposable puppets. I refuse to be controlled. I refuse to play your game. and now I want you to play MINE. Goodness. I sound so evil. Hah... but anyway, I can't reveal anything yet, due to safety reasons. Shall spill the beans, when erm, the beans are spilt. omg, i feel so much better now. I've really never felt as indignant in my life before. I don't even know if the next step I'm going to take is the right one, but I'm taking it. Please, don't let anything go wrong. Or else, the rest of my school life is soo doomed. and I might have to bring forward plans to go overseas to study. Haix. Worried. Stressed. Scared. Determined. Worried. I wish i was a vampire sometimes! Now i just wish that this will all be over soon. please...